Tag Archives: self-value

I Didn’t Lose You – Goodbye

I lost something this year.

Something I’ve never had before.

A friend.

I mean, I’ve had friends. Loads. I never had a problem making friends. But this was different. He didn’t want to have sex with me. He didn’t want to stay in an unhealthy phase of life. He did want to connect. To uplift. To be uplifted. Real friendship.

I typically only get along with people this way when they’re older than me by a decade or two. Been that way since I was a munchkin. I tried to fight it for a while in my teen years. But why? I mean, I believe we existed before this life. I could be substantially older than my mother. My younger brother could be eons older than me. *shrug*

Anywho, the amazing thing about this, is the relationship was healthy. The only healthy relationship this gal has ever had from start to finish.

I met him in the blogosphere when I began blogging, about 6 years ago. We had a lot in common. We critiqued each other’s novels. I learned a lot. He was honest. We called each other out. We consoled one another. We got each other… On the same wavelength, you know? He sent me a box of books. If that doesn’t scream friendship right there, I don’t know what does.

This relationship has been my rock. He, along with a book series and my family, are the reasons I got vulnerable enough to consider therapy. Which I chose to allow me to change my life for the better.

This relationship is what got me through a lot of my issues. Helped me remain humane with myself. Remember that I mattered, wasn’t a monster, and having issues didn’t make me unlovable. I learned to trust someone. I learned self-value in part because of this friendship. Someone else who saw all my damage could love me.

But, as I’ve recently learned, friendships don’t last forever. Not even the healthy ones. People change. We grow, evolve, move forward in different directions. This friendship died a healthy death.

That’s never happened before, and I, therefore, didn’t know how to deal with it. All my unhealthy coping mechanisms were gone, you know? I’d burned them alive and let them die the painful death we needed them to die. So I looked for a healthy one.

I chose to write about it.

I figured I’d share the resulting poem with you. I cried writing it. I cried reading it. I cried sending it. But I cannot say I have any regrets. I cannot say I regret anything with this relationship. I believe we all have people come into our lives for a reason. And I believe we come into others’ lives for a purpose.

Maybe the truth is that I did NOT lose something this year. I grew. He grew. We figured out how to create a real relationship where neither of us ended up hating one another, but instead parted in healthy ways for healthy reasons. We bettered each others’ lives. Ta da. Healthy relationship. I certainly learned a lot about myself (and my writing).

 

But I digress. Here are my blood and tears, encapsulated in ink and vocal chords.

 

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Pieces of Me

 

Perhaps this is part of becoming new
I am not so broken up
But I am

How can I be a phantom
Yet so brilliantly alive
In the same heart beats
Through my veins
All at once
Then not at all

These same tears
Are saying two different things

Goodbye

Perhaps this is part of becoming new
Shedding dead skins
And remembering them fondly

These dew drops of joy
I’ll store them in a jar
There will be so many more mornings
Dewdrops to collect

I’ll keep the safety
In this snapshot
Never having to worry
More was building
I never breathed so freely

I think maybe perhaps
I will buy some new jars
Open the lids

I cut my hair short
Put my old stories through the shredder
I sent out a letter
There’s a purple ruby on my desk
It’s from you

Perhaps this is part of becoming new
Final nail in the coffin
Of the phantom in me
Last crack in my shell
Something winged set free

Dying a natural death
In other words, change
Transmutation
Alchemy of the soul

We each need different chemicals
To destroy ourselves
Combust
So we can rebuild our bones
Trade fins for wings
Maturation into brilliancy

This is part of becoming new
You were a much-needed ingredient
So I could see the dead skin cells
I clung to
Wipe them away
Close my eyes
Clean up with all these tears
To break through
Reach in
And pull myself out
Vibrantly alive
And ever so new

It was is time

Please wake up
To something beautiful
Something new
In you

Goodbye

 

By Daphne Shadows

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Filed under Not that Kind of Poetry