Tag Archives: identity

I AM

I AM

throwing out all

my masks

they no longer

fit

 

I AM

checking under

my bed

for all the

monsters

I’ve stored there

 

I AM

peering into the

hollows

behind my eyes

whispering,

coaxing out

my soul

 

I AM

rewriting my

future

keeping the

pens to

myself now

 

I AM

demolishing

the porcelain

walls

and painting

the air

about me

 

I AM

coming home

to myself

nothing can

stop me

not even me

 

I AM

smoking out

the lies

untwisting

the truths

 

I AM

tired of pretending

so I’m not

anymore

 

by Daphne Shadows

 

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Filed under Not that Kind of Poetry

I’m Creepy

I collect parts of my family.

It’s so weird.

 

It’s like I’m a serial killer that hasn’t gotten around to killing them yet but has the whole “keeps souvenirs” part down.

 

 

My sister loves pandas. I now love plush pandas, adorable paintings, things like that. Plus I like how bi-polar they are. Not to mention that they spend their days eating, sleeping, attacking each other, and you know, sleeping. I think they’re adorable now as I’ve been exposed to them due to my sister, whom I call Panda. I don’t know what it is but suddenly I see a panda plushy and think it’s the cutest thing in the world. (I don’t have a money tree in my basement for my unicorn to eat from though, so I can’t buy them all)

My mom loves cookie monster. Ever since I was a munchkin, she’s loved him. Now? I love him! Cookies? Sarcasm? Blue? Fuzzy? My favorite quote by the cookie monster is, “Today me will live in the moment unless its unpleasant in which case me will eat a cookie”. Chocolate chip cookies….. *heaven* Double chocolate chip cookies too, man.

Papa loves Snoopy. I now love snoopy. Epically. He’s a writer, he loves naps, and he’s a sarcastic dog. Can you get any better???

 

 

 

Don’t get me wrong. I am still extremely picky, with everything. Including pandas, cookie monster quotes, and snoopy comics. Not to mention I simply added these random pieces of my family to a… you know… me. And me already came with quite a few likes already. I have like fifteen plushies and I love them all, none being a panda, for example.

 

 

Anywho, it struck me as real strange, how I collect parts of my family. Next thing you know I’ll be hiding the odd leg or finger in my freezer.

It’s like I absorb parts of them.

Creepy, right?

 

Have you guys ever done this?

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Filed under Stream of Consciousness

Non-Static Tomorrows

The more I try to put a magnifying glass to “who I am” and try to figure it out, the farther away I fall. The vaguer the answers get.

I know who I am. Even if that means, right now, I don’t have all the answers about myself or my motivations or my deep, dark, hidden secrets from myself.

The more I try to peg down who I am in specifics, the more I lose my ability to define my identity.

Who I am, is someone who changes.

Every day.

 

Today, I don’t have all the answers.

I’m the chick who cried in a room full of people who understand her, and didn’t want to get the headache that might turn to a migraine because she cried. The chick who doesn’t cry out loud often. But feels safe in that room.

Today, I’m the gal who prepared a small lesson to teach tomorrow about self-reliance and tied it in with how to fold an origami heart.

I’m the person who listened to her neighbors shriek at each other and wondered if I could put them in a story and fix them.

 

Today, I’m Daphne. I was Daphne yesterday. I’ll be her tomorrow.

But today, I’m not the same as yesterday and I won’t be the same tomorrow.

 

Today I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety and come out of it with a touch of serenity in my rib cage. I’ve been honest with myself, even though it hurt, and felt better for it.

I’ve felt a touch of hope. Hope that I’ve changed. Hope that I’ll continue to grow.

I’m the one who read this post and felt an immediate connection with her words.

Who laughs a real laugh, content, even though my insides are a mess.

The same Daphne who hasn’t taken all of her Halloween decorations down yet, because hey, bats and pumpkin-skeletons are part of Fall too!

The gal who took her dog out in the freezing cold and thought of all the homeless who must be shivering in old clothes, and wished she could save the world. The same gal who realized a lot of people don’t want to be saved. Not really.

The same Daphne who grinned at herself. California isn’t freezing, not compared to other places.

To me, it’s freezing.

I am the writer who watches Scooby-Doo reruns while writing about death, rebirth, pain, suffering, hope, and a woman who fights herself to freedom.

 

Yesterday… I don’t want to think about yesterday. It hurts. And the hurt slides back in so easily, just at the mere mental mention of it. It pervades.

But the Daphne I am today is okay with that.

Today I have choices, I’ve decided.

Today, I can be all of me. Vulnerable. Raw.

I keep telling you this. Because I know it’s true. I feel it from the soles of my feet to the hollows behind my eyes.

 

Meet Daphne Shadows. She takes a selfie about once a year. So she's terrible at it. Don't judge.

Meet Daphne Shadows. She takes a selfie about once a year. So she’s terrible at it. Don’t judge. And she’s been crying. Also, she’s upside down. Again.

 

I know where I’ve been, what I’ve been through, how I’ve coped, how I’ve survived. What I was thinking, what went on inside me even as I smiled and people bought, all the time, that I was doing fabulously. I know what’s brought me joy. What I’ve tried and failed to do. What mistakes I’ve made. I know how I’ve grown. What I’ve accomplished.

I know who I was yesterday. Last night. This morning. A few hours ago.

 

I know who I am.

Even if I don’t want to own up to it.

I am the Daphne who expels misery via the ink she types or pens, embedding it into pages.

I know who I am even if I focus on what I feel are my failings and can’t seem to find any successes until I talk to someone else who truly knows me.

Even if I hide who I am, from myself.

 

I know who I am. I am learning to be all of me, out loud.

Even if I don’t know a thing about my tomorrows.

 

Tomorrow I’ll be different. Tomorrow, I’ll be the same me.

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Filed under Stream of Consciousness

Simplicity is Undervalued

I think we undervalue simplicity. I believe more often than not, we’re complicating life.

With others’ dramas, others’ beliefs on how life “should be”, others’ wants, expectations, opinions on how life “really is”, yada, yada, yada….

What about me? Us? You? Do you exist? I mean, answer me this question.

Do you exist?

Simple question.

Now answer me this one.

Are you living? Your own life?

It’d be a lot simpler if we could just live our own lives, value our own internal feelings and thoughts, desires and wants, needs and values on a base, self-esteem affirming level.

It seems to me like we get all worked up over the dumbest things, offended and worked up over things that don’t really matter.

Because we’re so wrapped up in the drama. The “right way” to think, believe, the right opinions to have. The “right” way to spend our time.

We get all fired up.

Because we cannot look inside, instead. Into our own souls.

Into who we are.

That would just be too easy.

*rolls eyes*

And so we lose our identities.

 

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How about we take ourselves into account (on a healthy level; if you like murdering/torturing people, this doesn’t apply to you)?

How about we think about what we want out of OUR life.

You realize this is your life, right?

And who is deciding your life’s rules?

Probably should be you….

(And don’t get all technical and petty. Right is right, wrong is wrong. I’m not saying you should discount humanity or morals.)

 

I recently read some good advice. I’m planning on taking it.

 

ONE

What are things you would spend your time on if you didn’t have to worry about money, expectations, or others? If you had no other obligations? What is most important to you, as a person? What do you enjoy, crave, dream of doing?

TWO

What takes up your time, day to day?

THREE

Compare these two lists. Where are your priorities and where would you like them to be?

 

Keep in mind:

Life is just a mess and no one really knows exactly what they’re freaking doing.

You might as well live your life in a way that will make you happy, give you/your life meaning and value, purpose and vibrancy.

And yes, its going to be messy.

Just keep it simple.

sunset-142698_1920

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An Authentic Mess: Time for Something New

I guess when everything falls apart, and you finally reach that breaking point, where you’re pissed off but you decide enough is enough – you begin to search for your way home.

 

I’ve run away from home. From my soul.

By running away from my hopes and dreams. By running away from my identity.

I guess my heart has grown stale.

A person can only take so much living for others, with their heart and soul walled off from their consciousness, before they start to lose it.

 

Enough fear. Enough seeking for the world to approve of me. Enough hating myself, berating myself, and doubting myself.

I can’t fix those things instantly, but I’m tired of the downward slope.

It’s time to head upward.

 

credit Dasha stockvault-brightness116234

 

No one is going to hand me my identity. No one is going to pop up in a haze of fairy dust, smack me upside the head with a wand, and declare that, “I, Daphne, am so and so”. I’m not going to have a “moment” where everything becomes clear and I just “know” who I am. No one else is going to find me.

That’s my job.

So to hell with fixing other people, with throwing my soul out the window, and jumping on someone else’s circus. I’ve got my own thank you! I’m going to deal with my issues.

And I have every right to enjoy finding myself.

 

So who am I?

This is an interesting question.

I don’t have the slightest idea.

But that’s where we all start, isn’t it?

 

It reminds me of a comment Brian left on my blog, on the fourth post I ever wrote:

bwtaylor75

June 3, 2012 at 5:19 am

It sounds like you grew up during that whole university fiasco. Without living for yourself you become a drone, mindless and controlled. At some point, for better of worse, we must take the controls and navigate our own way through life. Better to figure these things out early on, than look back with regret. The simple fact is everything we do makes us who we are, even the mistakes. The smart ones keep learning and finding ways to improve themselves.

It takes courage to stand on your own. Stay true to yourself and good things will happen.

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”–Mark Twain

 

He nailed it right on the head.

A drone.

Mindless.

Controlled.

 

You don’t just wake up one morning and have it all figured out. This will take me time, I’ll make mistakes, and get emotional.

But I’m done being down in the dumps. I’ll have my days but I’m not getting stuck there anymore. I can be hopeful and down at the same time.

Kind of like that phrase – I need to get my demons on my side.

Honestly – who on earth wouldn’t want a demon as their backup? (fantasy not biblical demons, here people) I mean really – best thing ever. Could you imagine if someone tried to steal your wallet?

 

I’m doing this to myself.

I’m tired of giving myself unnecessary rules and restrictions. I’d rather be a mess. An authentic mess. Random, emotional, unpredictable, and vulnerable. But real.

So let’s move forward, shall we?

 

Maybe you need to fall flat on your butt and struggle in the muck for a while before you decide it would be easier to stand up and, like a sunflower, aim for the food you need, regardless of how messy the field is you’re planted in.

 

Do you know who you are? Did you ever struggle to find your identity? Ever allow the world or someone in your world to control who you “became”?

 

creditluan7749  stockvault-night-sky115743

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Masks

I love this poem:

Masks by Shel Silverstein

She had blue skin,

And so did he.

He kept it hid

And so did she.

They searched for blue

Their whole life through,

Then passed right by –

And never knew.

 

Be who you are.

Because if you hide well enough behind a mask, you may walk right past someone who is ideal for you. Whether as a friend, helper or lover, it doesn’t matter.

You will never meet them or know them, feel accepted by them or loved by them if they do not know who you are.

You’ll never have what you truly crave because you were not yourself. Instead, hiding behind a mask of lies and partial truths. Don’t hide. Don’t fear who you are.

 

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Be who you are.

The only other option is to be someone else.

What is the point of you living if you’re going to be like another already here?

We are all the same and yet we are all so different.

Don’t hide your differences. They make you, you.

The vulnerabilities, the mistakes, the genetics controlling so much of you, the choices you can control and make, the choices you cannot make, how you react to those things out of your control.

Who you are is made up of not only every breath, but also of every thought and action. Every small comment and blush. Every yelled word of anger. Every slap, every hurt. Every smile. Every reason behind that smile.

 

“We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others, that in the end, we become disguised to ourselves.” – Francois De La Rochefoucauld

 

Be who you are.

Or you may end up hating yourself. And as a byproduct, everyone else.

 

Everyone wears masks, that’s true.  But don’t let that mask block who you are from yourself or those around you.

There’s darkness inside all of us. But without dark there would be no light. Don’t hide it. Without one part of you, the rest of you would cease to exist.

Be careful that your mask does not keep you from living the life you want.

 

“We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin.” –Andre Berthiaume

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If You Ask the Silence

I’ve learned to breathe fire.

Do you ever scream into the world, the silence, the noise, universe, all of creation,
“INSPIRE ME!”
And it whispers back,
“Open your eyes.”

Sometimes I forget that inspiration is already here, right here. Everywhere I want to find it. All I have to do is open my mind to it, search it out.

There is no defining moment. We must break free, we must live, of our own accord, designing each breath with the purpose of our souls.

And don’t you ever forget it.
When you do, you lose a small piece of yourself, that joy, that intangible happiness you cannot express via anything but a smile, the all exuding ‘this moment is perfect’ glow. It’s rare, decide it is important to you.
Hope.

The world doesn’t wait on us. Die, and it continues on.
But it watches. It knows.
If you could ask the silence what it hears of you, what would it say?

Poignancy isn’t a monster. It’s a guide. Sweet isn’t vibrant unless the pangs of adversity first show you sour.
You can find beauty in everything. If you look. Use it.

Don’t be blind to what is in front of you, surrounding you, filling you.
If you’re broken, pick up the pieces you like and create others.
It is impossible to be saved in ignorance.

Become you. Find you. Create you. It’s all the same.
You remain ever changing.

Open your eyes to the flame inside, all around.
You are good enough.
Decide you are important.

Smile.
Find a way to mean it.
Open your eyes to the inspiration surrounding and within you.
Don’t fall at the wayside, cold and automated, a product of those around you, using you, molding you.
Breathe fire into your soul, your life.

I’ve learned to breathe fire.

Do you ever scream into the world, the silence, the noise, universe, all of creation,
“INSPIRE ME!”
And it whispers back,
“Open your eyes.”

“Tomorrow you promise yourself will be different, yet tomorrow is too often a repetition of today.” – James T. McKay

stockvault-crimson-sunset114865

Do you embrace inspiration or sometimes forget to see it?

7 Comments

March 26, 2014 · 9:54 am