Tag Archives: identity

Day 6: Fear – Stress, Depression, and Hypomania

I am going to stop posting my vlogs every day. Since this is an everyday thing, I’m going to begin posting twice a week, with the newest videos. I don’t want to overload you guys with an email every freaking day during this 30-day challenge. If you want it day to day, subscribe to my youtube channel.

Let me know what you think about this. It’s your inbox.

Plus this gives me room to do my once a week post.

 

The purpose is… what fears are we allowing to hold us back from achieving our dreams, living our lives fully and authentically, or contributing to the lives around us?

This is part of a 30-day challenge where I will record myself telling you something I’m afraid of, something I’m afraid for people to know, or tell you about something that I did that I was afraid to do that day.

I challenge you to do the same.


 

DAY SIX

 

The stress, the anxiety, the panic attacks… those things I can work toward changing. But hypomania? That’s because I’m bipolar. That’s not something that I can meditate or walk away. And I keep trying to pretend that I don’t have legitimate health issues that I can’t change, and it’s making me miserable.

Does anyone else struggle with this? Anything like this? Anyone have any wisdom to impart?

 

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No Need

“No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself.”

Virginia Woolf

 

small and simple

real and true

 

this holiday season, please remember to be who you are

slow down

and be

 

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I’m Not Done v.2

The Valley

Isn’t a place

You know

 

It is where

We live

Where we

Feel

Where we

know

 

 

Where we

Often

Decide

To

Deny

 

 

The light

Isn’t awaiting

Our creation

 

It exists

Within

Me

 

In

You

In

All

In

Us

 

 

 

By Daphne Shadows

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Don’t Forget

“All alone! Whether you like it or not, alone is something you’ll be quite a lot!”
― Dr. Seuss

 

 

We need to remember. The number one person we need to like us – is us.

We are going to be alone in our own skin quite a lot, without a distraction.

Do you like yourself?

Do you have self-compassion?

Do you respect yourself?

Trust yourself?

Hold your boundaries (part of respecting yourself)?

Are you comfortable when you’re alone in your own head?

 

Last question: Are you uncomfortable when you’re alone in your own head?

If so, you probably have an addiction of some sort so that you can keep yourself distracted OR you are highly sensitive to the possibility of becoming an addict.

 

We need to like ourselves. If not, every other thing in life is quite pointless.

Because if you hate yourself, you most likely are not living and are not loving in a healthy manner.

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I AM

I AM

throwing out all

my masks

they no longer

fit

 

I AM

checking under

my bed

for all the

monsters

I’ve stored there

 

I AM

peering into the

hollows

behind my eyes

whispering,

coaxing out

my soul

 

I AM

rewriting my

future

keeping the

pens to

myself now

 

I AM

demolishing

the porcelain

walls

and painting

the air

about me

 

I AM

coming home

to myself

nothing can

stop me

not even me

 

I AM

smoking out

the lies

untwisting

the truths

 

I AM

tired of pretending

so I’m not

anymore

 

by Daphne Shadows

 

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I’m Creepy

I collect parts of my family.

It’s so weird.

 

It’s like I’m a serial killer that hasn’t gotten around to killing them yet but has the whole “keeps souvenirs” part down.

 

 

My sister loves pandas. I now love plush pandas, adorable paintings, things like that. Plus I like how bi-polar they are. Not to mention that they spend their days eating, sleeping, attacking each other, and you know, sleeping. I think they’re adorable now as I’ve been exposed to them due to my sister, whom I call Panda. I don’t know what it is but suddenly I see a panda plushy and think it’s the cutest thing in the world. (I don’t have a money tree in my basement for my unicorn to eat from though, so I can’t buy them all)

My mom loves cookie monster. Ever since I was a munchkin, she’s loved him. Now? I love him! Cookies? Sarcasm? Blue? Fuzzy? My favorite quote by the cookie monster is, “Today me will live in the moment unless its unpleasant in which case me will eat a cookie”. Chocolate chip cookies….. *heaven* Double chocolate chip cookies too, man.

Papa loves Snoopy. I now love snoopy. Epically. He’s a writer, he loves naps, and he’s a sarcastic dog. Can you get any better???

 

 

 

Don’t get me wrong. I am still extremely picky, with everything. Including pandas, cookie monster quotes, and snoopy comics. Not to mention I simply added these random pieces of my family to a… you know… me. And me already came with quite a few likes already. I have like fifteen plushies and I love them all, none being a panda, for example.

 

 

Anywho, it struck me as real strange, how I collect parts of my family. Next thing you know I’ll be hiding the odd leg or finger in my freezer.

It’s like I absorb parts of them.

Creepy, right?

 

Have you guys ever done this?

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Non-Static Tomorrows

The more I try to put a magnifying glass to “who I am” and try to figure it out, the farther away I fall. The vaguer the answers get.

I know who I am. Even if that means, right now, I don’t have all the answers about myself or my motivations or my deep, dark, hidden secrets from myself.

The more I try to peg down who I am in specifics, the more I lose my ability to define my identity.

Who I am, is someone who changes.

Every day.

 

Today, I don’t have all the answers.

I’m the chick who cried in a room full of people who understand her, and didn’t want to get the headache that might turn to a migraine because she cried. The chick who doesn’t cry out loud often. But feels safe in that room.

Today, I’m the gal who prepared a small lesson to teach tomorrow about self-reliance and tied it in with how to fold an origami heart.

I’m the person who listened to her neighbors shriek at each other and wondered if I could put them in a story and fix them.

 

Today, I’m Daphne. I was Daphne yesterday. I’ll be her tomorrow.

But today, I’m not the same as yesterday and I won’t be the same tomorrow.

 

Today I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety and come out of it with a touch of serenity in my rib cage. I’ve been honest with myself, even though it hurt, and felt better for it.

I’ve felt a touch of hope. Hope that I’ve changed. Hope that I’ll continue to grow.

I’m the one who read this post and felt an immediate connection with her words.

Who laughs a real laugh, content, even though my insides are a mess.

The same Daphne who hasn’t taken all of her Halloween decorations down yet, because hey, bats and pumpkin-skeletons are part of Fall too!

The gal who took her dog out in the freezing cold and thought of all the homeless who must be shivering in old clothes, and wished she could save the world. The same gal who realized a lot of people don’t want to be saved. Not really.

The same Daphne who grinned at herself. California isn’t freezing, not compared to other places.

To me, it’s freezing.

I am the writer who watches Scooby-Doo reruns while writing about death, rebirth, pain, suffering, hope, and a woman who fights herself to freedom.

 

Yesterday… I don’t want to think about yesterday. It hurts. And the hurt slides back in so easily, just at the mere mental mention of it. It pervades.

But the Daphne I am today is okay with that.

Today I have choices, I’ve decided.

Today, I can be all of me. Vulnerable. Raw.

I keep telling you this. Because I know it’s true. I feel it from the soles of my feet to the hollows behind my eyes.

 

Meet Daphne Shadows. She takes a selfie about once a year. So she's terrible at it. Don't judge.

Meet Daphne Shadows. She takes a selfie about once a year. So she’s terrible at it. Don’t judge. And she’s been crying. Also, she’s upside down. Again.

 

I know where I’ve been, what I’ve been through, how I’ve coped, how I’ve survived. What I was thinking, what went on inside me even as I smiled and people bought, all the time, that I was doing fabulously. I know what’s brought me joy. What I’ve tried and failed to do. What mistakes I’ve made. I know how I’ve grown. What I’ve accomplished.

I know who I was yesterday. Last night. This morning. A few hours ago.

 

I know who I am.

Even if I don’t want to own up to it.

I am the Daphne who expels misery via the ink she types or pens, embedding it into pages.

I know who I am even if I focus on what I feel are my failings and can’t seem to find any successes until I talk to someone else who truly knows me.

Even if I hide who I am, from myself.

 

I know who I am. I am learning to be all of me, out loud.

Even if I don’t know a thing about my tomorrows.

 

Tomorrow I’ll be different. Tomorrow, I’ll be the same me.

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