Tag Archives: hope

Hourglass

I am feeling quiet inside today.

As if a peacefulness has unrolled its yoga mat inside me and got to work.

It’s a calmness.

A beauty.

 

It allows me to remember all the sweetness, while acknowledging the scars.

Remember, just because there is darkness inside of you, doesn’t mean that darkness is all you have to offer to the world.

Darkness can teach us.

We grow stronger.

 

Scars are a sign of strength.

Darkness is a way for us to strengthen.

Aren’t scars kind of beautiful?

 

There’s also a pain inside my chest.

It keeps speaking up.

I’m okay with it.

The pain isn’t all there is, inside me.

 

By Daphne Shadows

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Filed under Not that Kind of Poetry

The Worth of Souls

(I know I just posted, but get over it, people. I typically forget to post for a week instead of posting 3 times weekly. You’ll survive……still grumpy if you can’t tell)

Today is a painful day.

 

I’d like for everyone to send Brian some love.
Speaking of fuzzy babies, Brian’s dog passed away this week. Buck is an adorable, sweet boy who loves snow and his dad, Brian.

I say “is”, because the only solace I retain is that all my fuzzy babies are in heaven, waiting for me.
I don’t believe a soul can die. We just move somewhere else. And dogs are most certainly the sweetest of souls.

 

What to do when your animal passes?
Cry.
I cried like a psycho when my last two dogs died, and that for once, is not a joke, exaggeration, or me being sarcastic. I got a migraine I cried so hard.
The idea that your dog (or whatever your beloved animal is) died in pain and confused is enough to crush one’s heart.
But at least he died quickly.
And I am so glad that I was there to hold my dog’s hand as he passed.
I will forever look forward to the day I get to see my dogs again.

 

Isn’t it funny that that’s what we do, as humans? Try to look for the “well, at least”s in terrible situations.
At least it was quick.
He still died. He still hurt.
You still hurt. I still hurt.

 

But I believe this is a good thing. I think its the two things we should do when a dog (pet) dies.
1. We cry. We hurt. We rage.
2. We remember. We love. We look forward to reuniting.

 

So let’s all take a moment to remember our pets, the pets of our friends, and send some love Buck and Brian’s way.
Rest in peace, Buck.

Descent Into Slushland

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.” – Josh Billings

The last two years have been really shitty for me. As bad as 2016 was, 2017 has just eclipsed it as the shittiest. Four days ago my dog suddenly stopped walking. Seriously, he was fine most of Sunday and in the afternoon he changed. He was in pain. So. Much. Pain. He hurt so much that he didn’t even want to lay down.

We took him to the vet for tests. They had trouble finding the cause. Eventually they said he had arthritis. Buck is ten, and a Lab, of course he has arthritis. They gave him anti-inflammatory medication…which did absolutely nothing. In fact, he got worse. The next day he would stand around panting (even though it wasn’t hot) and later whining non-stop. It broke my heart to…

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Doubt. Hesitate. Hope.

A lot of the time I doubt that I have anything positive to bring to the blogging world. Or the world at all. I feel like all I have to talk about are depressing things. That I’ll bring people down. Dampen the mood. That I’m such a sulking hulk of depressing ooze and slobbery emotional muck.

But I’m slowly realizing that that’s not true at all.

It’s the same with the stories I tell. The stories that have come to me since I was a child.

My experiences have been dark and painful, yet I’m filled with hope. My stories aren’t of pain and loss and depressing failure. They’re about pain and loss and survival, hope leading to thriving.

I struggle daily with issues. Things that will never go away, memories that will always haunt. Health issues which will never give me peace. I struggle with anxiety and depression.

But I am not a lost cause.

I am finding peace and harmony, carving out my own love and passion. I’m finding a way to live my own life, building experiences filled with optimism and happiness.

 

 

A lot of the time I hesitate to speak up. To add my voice, my truths, to the world around me.

But the darkness in me is what has given me strength to rise, to fight my way up to the light.

The pain inside me allows peace and happiness to blossom into something glorious and infinite. Because I cry, the realization that my smile is genuine and filled with true joy is so much sweeter. Learning to simply breathe and enjoy my days and nights is a testament to the despair I’ve fought my way out of.

Emotional scars do not brand me. They show me as a survivor. Strong. Capable.

Ready to live.

 

There’s a phrase I’ve heard recently which I love.

“Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.” – Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Believe in yourself. 😉

 

 

This was a combination of WordPress daily prompts. I combined the first two prompts of March. “Doubt” and “Hesitate”.

I don’t think these things out. I go with what pings in my mind first.

What comes to your mind when you think of “doubt” or “hesitate”?

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Lotus Love

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I wish my life was as peaceful as this lotus flower makes me feel.

This lotus flower knows what’s up.
The gal that took this photo (source found here) knows how to capture bliss, serenity, peace.

And screw finding this peace in my life.
I wish I had the peace inside myself that this lotus flower makes me feel.
It starts inside and oozes out of you, into your life.

What makes you feel peaceful?
Jeeze – what makes me feel peaceful?

 

“I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself, did I know who I really was.”
– Sade Andria Zabala

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Randomly, In Quotes

“A book is a version of the world. If you do not like it, ignore it; or offer your own version in return.”

  • Salman Rushdie

 

This quote uber backs up my previous blog post! Preach it, dude that I don’t know!

 

 

“Too many people are thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, when they ought to just water the grass they are standing on.”

  • Amar Dave

 

This is what I’m working on right now. Working with what I’ve got. You see, I keep telling myself if I can reach all these goals that are outside of myself, I’ll find happiness. I’ll feel worthy, good enough, valuable, lovable, etc.

The thing is, internal goals are what I need to be working on. Working with what I’ve got. If I don’t change me, nothing outside of me will change.

 

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“Whatever you’re meant to do, do it now. The conditions are always impossible.”

  • Doris Lessing

 

That’s an amazingly focusing quote.

I watched a movie a few weeks ago that somehow made me think of this quote. Movie has nothing to do about anything pertaining to this quote. Or perhaps it does. I don’t know.

What clicked for me was the atmosphere of the movie. The feeling permeating the entire movie.

It was hopeful. Amidst turmoil, madness, unbelievable odds (aren’t we always against unbelievable odds?), and only one other person who believed like the main character did – it was hopeful.

Which connected to this quote, for me.

It’s a real roundabout way of seeing things but that’s typically how my heart smacks my brain in the face finally getting it to see, finally getting me to feel.

So – hope.

Don’t wait.

Work now, for what I want. Find a way to enjoy life. NOW. Find a way to work on improving my life, now. Find a way to be who I am, and consequently bring to the world what only I can, now.

No matter the circumstances. No matter the turmoil, the madness, or unbelievable odds. No matter the amount of people who don’t believe it’s possible.

Find a way to believe. Find hope within yourself. Find others who believe along with you.

Live your life now. Don’t wait.

 

 

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“Determination is doing the task when you have no motivation to do it or energy to give it.”

  • Monica Wilcox

 

This is me right now.

I don’t even have the energy to comment on it.

 

 

“You’ll never change your life until you change something you do daily. The secret of your success is found in your daily routine.”

  • John C. Maxwell

 

 

*falls over*

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What Must is What Will Come

I have a lot to be thankful for.

I find that my conditioned way of seeing the world, my situations, others, and myself, is thusly:

I focus on the fear.

It’s said that everything stems from either fear or love.

This brings to mind the Chinese character for crisis. Coincidentally, I searched my blog to see if I’d spoken on it before, and what do ya know? I have. Three years ago, on Thanksgiving.

I love what this time of year does for me.

I examine myself. I remember myself.

 

Chinese character for crisis is written with two different characters. Danger and Opportunity.

The way I see life: the danger. I don’t see the opportunity. I don’t feel love, I feel fear. (I don’t mean I don’t feel love, I mean I don’t default to a place of love; serenity and peace. I default to fear; panic and misery, apprehension and doubts.)

Why I do this is no longer my main focus. I’ve picked my past apart and consistently try to see it for what it is. I’ve let go of a lot of resentment. I’m still trying to let go of the bitter cage clamped tight around my rib cage.

But I’m aware it’s there and I’m working on it. That’s the whole point. I can’t undo damage done. Even if it wasn’t my fault, the damage now belongs to me and is my responsibility to work with.

 

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More and more, I’ve been pointing out to myself the love, the opportunity.

But I find the more I work on adopting healthy outlooks and beliefs and faith – the tighter the old me clamps down on my lungs and the more misery life digs up.

So this Thanksgiving, while I struggle with anxiety, panic attacks, and a strange, subtle, and pervasive depression – I want to focus on the love. The opportunity crisis provides me. The things I’m thankful for, of which there are many.

I want to celebrate my success.

Because in some moments, I’m beginning to realize that my changing is a constant success. I may not feel it completely yet, but awareness and hope come before acceptance.

 

“There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.”

~ Richard Bach

 

This Thanksgiving, instead of feeling miserable and self-disgusted because I haven’t reached perfection – I want to focus on picking through my life in a different manner.

I want to find all the positive changes I’ve gone through and lived through and brought to life.

I want to search for all my gratitude and find reasons to be grateful for myself as well as my life outside of myself.

This Thanksgiving, I want to smile because I’ve gained, through a lot of hard work, hope that I can lean on, instead of falling back into fear.

 

I’ve gained a second job. One I like as opposed to my first job, which just wasn’t for me.

I have an amazing, understanding boss.

My family. Look at the misery we’ve survived and continue to live through. Look at our hidden strength, which I think we often times take for granted. We’re stronger than we realize. Even though right now we mainly feel hurt.

I have new friends. Souls who understand and accept me. We understand our shared struggles, even as we live separate lives.

I finished Blair’s first novel after two years of not writing. I sent out to critique partners. I’m not afraid. What must, is what will come of it.

And can I back up here? I started writing again. My passion and identity as a writer newfound and settled into my bones, my skin, the rushing of blood through my veins. I’ve made writing a priority. Because I’ve become aware of how vital, how important it is to who I am.

I have learned I have the right to say no. I haven’t quite acquired the courage in most cases, but I’m working on that.

I’ve learned that I can say yes when its truth, even if it might hurt a little at first.

I’ve learned that I exist and I have every right to exist. I don’t need to seek validation for my desire, my urge to live a life I can identity as my own.

And mistakes? I can learn from those. I do. It hurts, but I learn. Mainly, I’m learning that everyone makes them and I don’t need to make myself out to be a devil when all I did was forget that I can’t fix others.

 

My health has gotten worse and I’m just plain confused with my life.

But this pain has taught me something, is still teaching me something.

Just take it one day at a time – one hour at a time if need be, one minute at a time – breathe, and focus on hope.

Maybe my health is also improving. I feel better.

Thanksgiving is such a great reminder.

Even if I forget to remember these new healthy beliefs and behaviors, they’re still here, slowly embedding into my psyche and soul.

There is so much beauty in the world.

And what I focus on, is what I magnify in my day-to-day life.

 

 

This Thanksgiving, I challenge you to dig up all the dirt, all the memories, all the tears and smiles and indifference, spread it out, and peer through it. Find what you’re grateful for.

I’m going to attempt the very same.

 

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Non-Static Tomorrows

The more I try to put a magnifying glass to “who I am” and try to figure it out, the farther away I fall. The vaguer the answers get.

I know who I am. Even if that means, right now, I don’t have all the answers about myself or my motivations or my deep, dark, hidden secrets from myself.

The more I try to peg down who I am in specifics, the more I lose my ability to define my identity.

Who I am, is someone who changes.

Every day.

 

Today, I don’t have all the answers.

I’m the chick who cried in a room full of people who understand her, and didn’t want to get the headache that might turn to a migraine because she cried. The chick who doesn’t cry out loud often. But feels safe in that room.

Today, I’m the gal who prepared a small lesson to teach tomorrow about self-reliance and tied it in with how to fold an origami heart.

I’m the person who listened to her neighbors shriek at each other and wondered if I could put them in a story and fix them.

 

Today, I’m Daphne. I was Daphne yesterday. I’ll be her tomorrow.

But today, I’m not the same as yesterday and I won’t be the same tomorrow.

 

Today I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety and come out of it with a touch of serenity in my rib cage. I’ve been honest with myself, even though it hurt, and felt better for it.

I’ve felt a touch of hope. Hope that I’ve changed. Hope that I’ll continue to grow.

I’m the one who read this post and felt an immediate connection with her words.

Who laughs a real laugh, content, even though my insides are a mess.

The same Daphne who hasn’t taken all of her Halloween decorations down yet, because hey, bats and pumpkin-skeletons are part of Fall too!

The gal who took her dog out in the freezing cold and thought of all the homeless who must be shivering in old clothes, and wished she could save the world. The same gal who realized a lot of people don’t want to be saved. Not really.

The same Daphne who grinned at herself. California isn’t freezing, not compared to other places.

To me, it’s freezing.

I am the writer who watches Scooby-Doo reruns while writing about death, rebirth, pain, suffering, hope, and a woman who fights herself to freedom.

 

Yesterday… I don’t want to think about yesterday. It hurts. And the hurt slides back in so easily, just at the mere mental mention of it. It pervades.

But the Daphne I am today is okay with that.

Today I have choices, I’ve decided.

Today, I can be all of me. Vulnerable. Raw.

I keep telling you this. Because I know it’s true. I feel it from the soles of my feet to the hollows behind my eyes.

 

Meet Daphne Shadows. She takes a selfie about once a year. So she's terrible at it. Don't judge.

Meet Daphne Shadows. She takes a selfie about once a year. So she’s terrible at it. Don’t judge. And she’s been crying. Also, she’s upside down. Again.

 

I know where I’ve been, what I’ve been through, how I’ve coped, how I’ve survived. What I was thinking, what went on inside me even as I smiled and people bought, all the time, that I was doing fabulously. I know what’s brought me joy. What I’ve tried and failed to do. What mistakes I’ve made. I know how I’ve grown. What I’ve accomplished.

I know who I was yesterday. Last night. This morning. A few hours ago.

 

I know who I am.

Even if I don’t want to own up to it.

I am the Daphne who expels misery via the ink she types or pens, embedding it into pages.

I know who I am even if I focus on what I feel are my failings and can’t seem to find any successes until I talk to someone else who truly knows me.

Even if I hide who I am, from myself.

 

I know who I am. I am learning to be all of me, out loud.

Even if I don’t know a thing about my tomorrows.

 

Tomorrow I’ll be different. Tomorrow, I’ll be the same me.

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