Tag Archives: Daphne Shadows

Worst Fear and Worst Enemy

 

“What’s your worst fear?” He asked.

“Myself.”

 

fight — don’t give in

 

I answered immediately.

I realized this later.

Didn’t skip a beat.

Didn’t have to think about it.

It wasn’t forced, it was honest.

 

I am my own worst enemy.

I knew this already, in the back of my mind. My subconscious always knew.

And, in the front of my mind, where I’m aware, now that I think about it…

I agree.

 

I tie myself in knots over emotion.

I don’t know what I feel, I don’t know how to get to what I feel when I do know what I feel, and I don’t know what to do with what I feel.

 

I read an article yesterday.

An Important Question to Ask if You Feel Suicidal

It’s a great article. Even if you’re not suicidal, even if you don’t even have depression — its a great eye opener. The stigma of depression, suicide, and anxiety is made up of untruths, half-truths, and ignorance. This gal goes all in, committing to be honest to her readers.

I’d like to do the same.

Lying has never served me.

I’ve always had the urge to be honest. Vulnerable. Ironically, vulnerability isn’t my thing. I war with myself, in case you haven’t noticed.

Anywho.

 

and just so ya know, fighting sometimes simply means surviving the day healthily

 

Depression isn’t my fault. It wasn’t my choice. I didn’t ask for depression, didn’t sign up, didn’t decide, ‘oh yeah, sure, no problem, I’ll work with this’.

Depression isn’t who I am.

It’s only part of who I am. Also — however I deal with depression, with all my struggles, that’s also who I am.

 

The gal in the above article put into words my exact thoughts.

If there was a lever I could pull, one where no one would get hurt, and I would die in a painless, instant way — some days, I would pull this lever.

Not today.

Today I’m doing pretty good.

Okay, that’s a lie.  But I’m not ready to pull that lever.

And pulling that lever — that’s not me. That’s the parasite living inside me, drugging me with this disgusting, confusing, and numbing paralytic.

Sure, I learn through dark and painful stories, but I’m stubborn and I always try, sometimes even to my determent. I’m optimistic and goofy as well as dark.

I fight depression. Giving into struggles isn’t my thing. Stubborn, and all that.

 

So I suppose I’m my worst fear because I don’t know how to define myself, how to reach myself, how to be all of myself.

But hey – at least I’m aware.

Awareness, Acceptance, Action

That’s a good start.

 

What’s your greatest fear? Worst enemy?

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Filed under Stream of Consciousness

300 Million Year Old Dragons

Dragonflies, that is.

I love dragonflies. I won’t get into their symbolism today, but I’d love to in a future post.

 

Dragonflies were here 100 million  years before the dinosaurs. and had up to 2 foot long wingspans. (Their wingspan is now five or six inches.)

THAT would be cool to see. A huge dragonfly flitting by our heads, grabbing a bird out of the air and chomping down on it.

And dragonflies are brutal predators in the insect world.

Check out their jaws…

 

Now imagine that underwater in your pool if they were two feet large.

That’s a nymph dragonfly. They start their lives out as underwater larvae, terrorizing fish and others of their own kind.

Because, oh yeah – dragonflies (whether they’re a nymph or aviators) – are cannibals.

 

Their emergence from their nymph bodies into the gorgeous flying dragonfly is amazing.

I also found a video for this…

 

Creepy and awe inspiring right?

I love it.

 

Years ago, I found a few dragonflies in my backyard and took a zillion photos. You’ll see I use them for the cover photos on my blog above, my twitter account, and Facebook account.

Wee bit obsessed with dragonflies.

Here are some of my favorites. I suggest you click into each of them so as to see the dragonflies up close.

 

Daphne Shadows

This one is pretty zoomed out but I love the warring colors of the trees and the vibrancy of the orange/red dragonfly.

 

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I caught the blue one with it’s mouth open.

 

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Looking through all of the photos I took, even though I was on the ground below the dragonflies, zooming in with a camera, the dragonflies eyes’ followed my exact location, regardless. Their eyes are always looking at me.

 

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The multi-colored dragonfly always looks like it was smiling. 🙂

 

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I tend to like the out of focus look, if you couldn’t tell.

 

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I like this one because you can see the dragonfly with its mouth only partially open, giving you a better view of how the little guy is put together.

Also, this dragonfly is probably close to the end of his or her life, as it’s wings are torn up. 😦

 

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Whereas the orange dragonfly is relatively young, most likely, as it’s wings are in perfect condition.

 

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Beautiful creatures, right?

Do you like dragonflies?

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Filed under The Odd Bit

Replace Hate

Hiya crazies!

How goes it?

It goes well here. Well, kinda well.

 

Anywho…

I teach a Sunday second hour class every other Sunday and thought I’d share something we and the kids did a month ago or so.

If you balk at organized religion, this is more about being human than anything. Or, I should say, humane. Which, if you ask me, is something we seem to lack. But that’s a rant for a different day.

There’s this teacher dude with this awesome “Erase Meanness” thing.

I’m real articulate today.

Dude is here. Check it out. Really. Go.

Now!

 

You back?

Yes, that was Kevin Bacon on his page-thingy.

Okay.

 

I went in a half hour early and wrote negative words on the board. In the center of the board, I wrote “Satan is Hate”. You can re-word this as “replace hate…”

 

I then had the crazies erase a word and replace it with a kind word. In the center, it then read, “Christ is Love”. Again, for a non religious example, you can simply write “with love”.

 

We can all replace hate with love. We can treat each other with respect and kindness.

Not saying that I wouldn’t protect myself or those I love, I’m simply saying we don’t need to be so needlessly, ridiculously, bloody cruel.

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Filed under The Odd Bit

Conundrum

People say, change the world with your art.

But what if the art I have inside me is tainted, the same as I am?

What if all I have to offer is twisted and soaked in pain?

What if the lessons I have to learn through my art is laced with bloody barbed wire, twirling through the small glimmers of such agonizing beauty that it drips into porcelain until even the sun cannot bear to gaze upon it?

 

I don’t have time to sabotage anything else

But that isn’t true, is it?

 

I don’t have the heart to camouflage anymore pain.

But I’ll do it

Won’t I?

 

I don’t have any way

To speak

Conundrum

 

Dark in

Light out

 

How do I deal truthfully

When all you see is the light?

 

What happens when you

Find something else?

 

Still me

Always me

 

Waiting for someone who sees

Who understands

 

But I won’t tell you that

 

Ah, that is the conundrum, is it not? The ache, the need to scream, to let it all out. To be free, fully come alive. To deny parts of me, well.

That’s not going to bring life to anything, now is it?

 

By Daphne Shadows

 

1 Comment

Filed under Not that Kind of Poetry

Disjointed

It just is, here, now

No time to sabotage this

Not true, whispers soul

 

Reflections, they change

The hush of silence tells all

Too little, too late

 

Sometimes the fall comes

No fist can keep the blood here

No heart beats that fast

 

Don’t know if you care

I don’t know if this hurts you

But I need to breathe

 

 

by Daphne Shadows

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Filed under Not that Kind of Poetry

Moonlight

Well this silence is odd

It’s comfort

How foreign is that

 

There’s this strange

Light dance

Dizzying in my chest

 

I love it

Can I keep it?

Change smiles softly at me

 

It will be back

Once it leaves

I Promise

 

by Daphne Shadows

 

3 Comments

Filed under Not that Kind of Poetry

I Exist

I don’t need a good excuse

I exist

Therefore I have the right to be

 

 

By Daphne Shadows

 

(Don’t forget, we’re human beings not human “doings”.)

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Filed under Not that Kind of Poetry