Tag Archives: change

Disjointed

It just is, here, now

No time to sabotage this

Not true, whispers soul

 

Reflections, they change

The hush of silence tells all

Too little, too late

 

Sometimes the fall comes

No fist can keep the blood here

No heart beats that fast

 

Don’t know if you care

I don’t know if this hurts you

But I need to breathe

 

 

by Daphne Shadows

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Filed under Not that Kind of Poetry

Moonlight

Well this silence is odd

It’s comfort

How foreign is that

 

There’s this strange

Light dance

Dizzying in my chest

 

I love it

Can I keep it?

Change smiles softly at me

 

It will be back

Once it leaves

I Promise

 

by Daphne Shadows

 

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Filed under Not that Kind of Poetry

Long Time Coming

This is going to be my 7th Rara #Somethingist post. (to understand what this challenge is, check this post out and join in!)

Something Displaced.

To displace can mean to move something from its usual place. To shift or to re-position.

Today, I cut my hair!

 

The last time I did anything with my hair was 8 years ago. That? Me keeping bangs for about a year before growing them out. Before that? I haven’t done anything with my hair since I was 9 years old.

So I cut it all off today.

 

It feels immensely symbolic.

I’ve cut off the unhealthy parts of me. I’m changing.

I have changed!

The all amazing gal who cut my hair said that typically when a woman drastically changes her hair, there’s a motivating change in her life that’s behind it.

No different for me.

She also said that women’s hair is important. It’s an important part of us, our identity. Attached to how we feel about ourselves.

She proves my point exactly.

I haven’t cared about myself or so much as given myself a first thought (throw the second thought out the window) in I can’t even remember how long.

 

No more of that.

I feel great!

I feel like I’ve chopped off all that I’ve allowed to hold me down, hold me back.

I can do something for me and enjoy it. I’m allowed to care about me.

Cutting my hair off equates to freeing myself.

 

My hair was so unhealthy!

Its so thin because of how stressed out I am. Anxiety. Depression. Gut disease. Sleep problems. Pain that I’ve hidden or run from, pretended wasn’t there. Smiled to cater to others.

No more.

I’ve worked on this for a year now and I feel I’ve dug a good staircase out of this pit.

So, I’m breathing.

I’m going to act like I exist.

Taking vitamins (biotin in particular, as the hair goddess who styled my hair suggested) and paying attention to my needs.

 

I believe we look at change as a bad thing, always.

Sometimes, I think a little displacement is exactly what we need.

What do you think?

Daphne Shadows

Daphne Shadows

Daphne Shadows

Daphne Shadows

Daphne Shadows

Daphne Shadows

Daphne Shadows

Daphne Shadows

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Filed under The Odd Bit

The Fall

Do I make any sense or do I just go on and on? I change my mind a lot. No, I believe I change a lot. It’s not just my mind making the decisions here, not only my eyes see. I’m thinking my heart has much more to do with it as of late than I realized. Maybe not so lately. Perhaps I’ve always been this way. Purview chance and taking into account all the madness shuffling about inside – and I can take all of these interruptions. Breaking into what I think is going well, stranding the sameness in a dropout as the bottom falls out and I realize, slowly, strained, that nothing was what I thought.

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Filed under Stream of Consciousness

Rain to Tears

Something a man said today.

A little story, if you will.

 

He was driving toward a meeting I attend and noticed that the rain water looked ready to spill over.

Immediately, an immense sadness filled him.

The rain turned to tears in his mind.

This rain, it must spill and soak the earth to bring new change, to grow something wonderful.

Our tears must fall.

We use them to water our lives, to spill this pain, so something magnificent can grow from it.

 

We cannot grow until we allow ourselves to feel the pain, the sadness, we sometimes feel.

It can change into something poignant, and from there, beauty.

 

  • December 10, 2016

 

 

Every life is a collection of stories.

This story feels like it became mine, even as it was his.

We absorb and collaborate, with only the mere telling or hearing of a story. We bind them to our souls and feed them for others to hear, to learn from, to become.

 

water-955929_1280

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Randomly, In Quotes

“A book is a version of the world. If you do not like it, ignore it; or offer your own version in return.”

  • Salman Rushdie

 

This quote uber backs up my previous blog post! Preach it, dude that I don’t know!

 

 

“Too many people are thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, when they ought to just water the grass they are standing on.”

  • Amar Dave

 

This is what I’m working on right now. Working with what I’ve got. You see, I keep telling myself if I can reach all these goals that are outside of myself, I’ll find happiness. I’ll feel worthy, good enough, valuable, lovable, etc.

The thing is, internal goals are what I need to be working on. Working with what I’ve got. If I don’t change me, nothing outside of me will change.

 

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“Whatever you’re meant to do, do it now. The conditions are always impossible.”

  • Doris Lessing

 

That’s an amazingly focusing quote.

I watched a movie a few weeks ago that somehow made me think of this quote. Movie has nothing to do about anything pertaining to this quote. Or perhaps it does. I don’t know.

What clicked for me was the atmosphere of the movie. The feeling permeating the entire movie.

It was hopeful. Amidst turmoil, madness, unbelievable odds (aren’t we always against unbelievable odds?), and only one other person who believed like the main character did – it was hopeful.

Which connected to this quote, for me.

It’s a real roundabout way of seeing things but that’s typically how my heart smacks my brain in the face finally getting it to see, finally getting me to feel.

So – hope.

Don’t wait.

Work now, for what I want. Find a way to enjoy life. NOW. Find a way to work on improving my life, now. Find a way to be who I am, and consequently bring to the world what only I can, now.

No matter the circumstances. No matter the turmoil, the madness, or unbelievable odds. No matter the amount of people who don’t believe it’s possible.

Find a way to believe. Find hope within yourself. Find others who believe along with you.

Live your life now. Don’t wait.

 

 

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“Determination is doing the task when you have no motivation to do it or energy to give it.”

  • Monica Wilcox

 

This is me right now.

I don’t even have the energy to comment on it.

 

 

“You’ll never change your life until you change something you do daily. The secret of your success is found in your daily routine.”

  • John C. Maxwell

 

 

*falls over*

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Non-Static Tomorrows

The more I try to put a magnifying glass to “who I am” and try to figure it out, the farther away I fall. The vaguer the answers get.

I know who I am. Even if that means, right now, I don’t have all the answers about myself or my motivations or my deep, dark, hidden secrets from myself.

The more I try to peg down who I am in specifics, the more I lose my ability to define my identity.

Who I am, is someone who changes.

Every day.

 

Today, I don’t have all the answers.

I’m the chick who cried in a room full of people who understand her, and didn’t want to get the headache that might turn to a migraine because she cried. The chick who doesn’t cry out loud often. But feels safe in that room.

Today, I’m the gal who prepared a small lesson to teach tomorrow about self-reliance and tied it in with how to fold an origami heart.

I’m the person who listened to her neighbors shriek at each other and wondered if I could put them in a story and fix them.

 

Today, I’m Daphne. I was Daphne yesterday. I’ll be her tomorrow.

But today, I’m not the same as yesterday and I won’t be the same tomorrow.

 

Today I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety and come out of it with a touch of serenity in my rib cage. I’ve been honest with myself, even though it hurt, and felt better for it.

I’ve felt a touch of hope. Hope that I’ve changed. Hope that I’ll continue to grow.

I’m the one who read this post and felt an immediate connection with her words.

Who laughs a real laugh, content, even though my insides are a mess.

The same Daphne who hasn’t taken all of her Halloween decorations down yet, because hey, bats and pumpkin-skeletons are part of Fall too!

The gal who took her dog out in the freezing cold and thought of all the homeless who must be shivering in old clothes, and wished she could save the world. The same gal who realized a lot of people don’t want to be saved. Not really.

The same Daphne who grinned at herself. California isn’t freezing, not compared to other places.

To me, it’s freezing.

I am the writer who watches Scooby-Doo reruns while writing about death, rebirth, pain, suffering, hope, and a woman who fights herself to freedom.

 

Yesterday… I don’t want to think about yesterday. It hurts. And the hurt slides back in so easily, just at the mere mental mention of it. It pervades.

But the Daphne I am today is okay with that.

Today I have choices, I’ve decided.

Today, I can be all of me. Vulnerable. Raw.

I keep telling you this. Because I know it’s true. I feel it from the soles of my feet to the hollows behind my eyes.

 

Meet Daphne Shadows. She takes a selfie about once a year. So she's terrible at it. Don't judge.

Meet Daphne Shadows. She takes a selfie about once a year. So she’s terrible at it. Don’t judge. And she’s been crying. Also, she’s upside down. Again.

 

I know where I’ve been, what I’ve been through, how I’ve coped, how I’ve survived. What I was thinking, what went on inside me even as I smiled and people bought, all the time, that I was doing fabulously. I know what’s brought me joy. What I’ve tried and failed to do. What mistakes I’ve made. I know how I’ve grown. What I’ve accomplished.

I know who I was yesterday. Last night. This morning. A few hours ago.

 

I know who I am.

Even if I don’t want to own up to it.

I am the Daphne who expels misery via the ink she types or pens, embedding it into pages.

I know who I am even if I focus on what I feel are my failings and can’t seem to find any successes until I talk to someone else who truly knows me.

Even if I hide who I am, from myself.

 

I know who I am. I am learning to be all of me, out loud.

Even if I don’t know a thing about my tomorrows.

 

Tomorrow I’ll be different. Tomorrow, I’ll be the same me.

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