To watch someone you love, suffer
That is the worst pain
To have ever known.
I have lived through abuses of every kind.
Horrors little children should never know
Memories I’d sell for bubble gum houses
and storybook bedtimes.
Pain that sears through my heart and mind,
Memories in my muscles I cry for
Physical scars,
Emotional scars,
Scar tissue growing stronger
and stronger.
But watching someone I love…
These tears hurt worse, somehow.
Somehow they burn
and twist
Until I can hardly breathe
And I loathe watching you go
Knowing you need help
But not knowing how
or what I can do.
I know you are strong.
I know you are the
bravest soul I’ve met
I know you can slay your own Princes
and befriend the Dragons lurking
deep inside and all around.
I know you don’t need me
for these things.
But I wish.
I wish I could keep the pain from you
I wish I could swipe it away with my tears
or my arms or my words
I wish I could absorb everything
and make life,
fair.
For you.
All I can do is hurt with you
Try to help
Understand
Be a shoulder, an ear.
Lend a hand.
But I know I cannot brandish your sword
for you
Not that you need me to.
Not that you aren’t stronger than me anyway.
I still wish.
It still hurts worse, somehow.
And yet, I know.
I know my scars
Brighten my lips when I know joy,
More brilliantly than if my skin was smooth,
Memory free.
Peace is only found when I
know it is so slippery a prize
after it was ripped away
and I stole it back, one drop of blood
at a time, one struggle at a time.
But I know peace, is the point.
I know joy.
I feel it until I am bursting.
I see so many others
sleepwalking.
That’s what pain does
shakes you up
awakens you to your awful state
state of misery or confusion
state of contentedness or settling.
Once awake I knew how to fight
even though I didn’t.
The pain ended up helping me
in a sick sort of way.
It showed me how to fight.
How to stand.
I know the horrors of my past
and they know me.
We laugh in the face of the horrors
Climbing through my windows,
Edging into my room
at night, trying to frighten me
with their newness and unknown.
I laugh because this scar tissue
Sees them for what they are.
They are whispers in the dark
Compared to the hideous trumpeting
of my past, my forever scarred words,
lashing into my skin with the blade of no knife.
These new nightmares are cotton candy
and daydreams I spot in the clouds
Compared to the devilish landscapes
lurking in my then.
I know that all that I have suffered
All I have hurt
It lost.
To me.
Without these villains
I never would have
Become.
And I know
Your tears will spill and leave.
Your fears will charge and back down.
Playing chicken with you will not work.
I know you will grow scar tissue of your own,
Small battles counting down the time
until they help you slay your next villain.
You will shout in silence
Sob into your pillow
Scream at every smothering glance.
You will find the words to stand your ground
Disperse the hordes that challenge your might.
Yes, you will hurt.
And I will hate every moment of it.
I will help you however I can.
I will stand witness to all the snares and wounds
failures and confusion.
I will hurt with you. I promise.
But I know.
You will win, too.
I know you don’t need me to fight these battles
for you
But I will always, always
be here with you.
I will gladly accept these lashings
if it means to stand by your side
As you suffer into Becoming.
I still wish you didn’t have to suffer.
It still hurts worse, somehow.
Worse than anything I can remember
suffering inside my own skin.
And yet, I know.
There was never a dragon, never a lotus, never a hero
without suffering to overcome.
by Daphne Shadows