Day 2: Fear – Lying by Omission

This is part of a 30-day challenge where I will record myself telling you something I’m afraid of, something I’m afraid for people to know, or tell you about something that I did that I was afraid to do that day.

I challenge you to do the same.

It’s freeing. To take what you’re afraid of and do it. To expose it. To expose all of who you are (not telling you to flash your neighbors) for people to see.

I feel we live in a world where people are trying to pretend to be someone they’re not on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and on and on. We put up this fake self so that people think we’re only this small portion of who we really are. So here is all of me.


 

DAY TWO

 

‘Who are you?’ said the Caterpillar.

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, ‘I — I hardly know, sir, just at present — at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.’

‘What do you mean by that?’ said the Caterpillar sternly. ‘Explain yourself!’

‘I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, sir’ said Alice, ‘because I’m not myself, you see.’

‘I don’t see,’ said the Caterpillar.

‘I’m afraid I can’t put it more clearly,’ Alice replied very politely, ‘for I can’t understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.’

‘It isn’t,’ said the Caterpillar.

‘Well, perhaps you haven’t found it so yet,’ said Alice; ‘but when you have to turn into a chrysalis — you will some day, you know — and then after that into a butterfly, I should think you’ll feel it a little queer, won’t you?’

‘Not a bit,’ said the Caterpillar.

Source: http://sabian.org/alice_in_wonderland5.php

 

What are you afraid of today? What fear is holding you back from the greatness in you? Remember, greatness doesn’t have to be large. It can be very small indeed. Yet touch the lives of many, perhaps only one soul, in a very, very large way.


 

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Day 1: Fear – Looking My Worst On Camera

For the next 30 days, I am going to record myself telling you something I’m afraid of, something I’m afraid for people to know, or tell you about something that I did that I was afraid to do that day.

I challenge you to do the same.

It’s freeing. To take what you’re afraid of and do it. To expose it. To expose all of who you are (not telling you to flash your neighbors) for people to see.

I feel we live in a world where people are trying to pretend to be someone they’re not on Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and on and on. We put up this fake self so that people think we’re only this small portion of who we really are. So here is all of me.

 

 

DAY ONE

Let’s rip this bandage off fast…

I was jogging and realized UGH people can kinda see me on the side of the road. I’m all sweaty and gross and my hair is a mess and my dark circles under my eyes look exaggerated because of how sweaty I am. And did I mention I look like I’m dying? I’M JOGGING! I probably look ready to go into cardiac arrest.

SO here I am, all sweaty, with horrible lighting with a camera bought over ten years ago, no clue how to hold a camera to make myself look good (I even had to ask my sister to help me take selfies because I didn’t know how to get the angle so I didn’t look like a conehead) and terrible lighting.

In a world where looking perfect and plastic and having perfect hair and makeup is MUY IMPORTANTE …. here is me, looking my worst.

 

 

….. I am STILL ALIVE! *passes out*

 

 

I am waiting for that feeling to hit. You know the one where you get in bed at night and your brain *dings* on what you did that day that you want to take back – you know, when you’re comfortable, ready for sleep, then your brain sits up and says WHAT ARE YOU DOING??????? GO DELETE THAT RIGHT NOW, I DON’T CARE IF YOU WAKE UP YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY, I DON’T CARE IF YOU WAKE THE NEIGHBORS, GO TAKE THAT DOWN RIGHT NOW YOU PSYCHO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!….. Yeah, that voice. I’m waiting for that one.

 

 

JUST SO YOU KNOW there was zero preparation for this. I came in from a jog and grabbed my dinky camera before I could talk myself out of it. I didn’t even check to see if I was holding the camera well enough to capture my face. I mean, part of me was like, oh well, if not, hey! That’s actually better!! Then they won’t see me, mwahahahahahaha! But yeah, crap, I did alright on that one. I didn’t plan what I was going to say or even know what I would sound like. And jeeze, if being in front of a camera isn’t scary!

 

 

What are you afraid of doing today?

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Time

Time passes in an odd way.

We think we’ve got everything figured out and then it all crumbles under the weight of quick breaths, strangled emotions, and not enough…. wait…

I think we’ve got it backward. Jumbled. Mixed up. We’re desperately grasping for threads as we sit upon a bed of yarn.

Time isn’t moments ticking by.

Time is patient. It is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. It breathes deep. Caresses the mourning with pain and love too poignant to articulate. Welcomes the sunrise and stands in awe of the majesty of the forest and brooks and antlers brushing against the leaves, lifting tawny head to the rays blossoming into the sky. It sighs as we rush, hurry, think ourselves into disarray and hectic misery.

Time understands that we cannot force anything, anyone.

Holds our hand as we bite our lip and hold the tears in. Smiles against our eyelashes as we all but burst with the succulent blooming of spend your life with me.

Time imbues our veins with the thrill of success, passion that ignites drive, and the simple ecstasy of a life being lived in the right direction.

Learning from the past. Planning for the future. Dreaming. Hoping. Yearning. Yet time is ever aware. Here. Now. Breathing in. Breathing out. Waiting is not a pause. Though sometimes we need both.

Time rejoices at the birth of all life, ideas, love. Sorrows at the loss, the end, the dying. Comforts, revitalizes through the rebirth.

Time is whatever we make of it. Quite literally. Paradoxically, we can never change time. Never go back. Redo. We can start again, fresh.

Time is joy. Time is loss. Time is depth and scratching the surface. Waiting through the pain until we feel we might go mad from atrophy, the dismal slide into entropy. Running in the rain, splashing through the built-up water in the cavities of life until our socks are soaked and our laughter and tears mix in a bursting of something our chest cannot hold. Time is happily not knowing what lurks around the corner. Fear of possible pain. Fear that tomorrow will be precisely as today is.

Time is hope. There is always enough. It is we who must wait. Time cannot.

 

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Serenity

Serenity is a hard commodity to come by.

Even harder to hold onto.

Tragedy, loss, pain, affliction, confusion, chaos… these things happen in life. They are part of life.

This does not mean we cannot have and hold onto serenity. Peace. An assurance that I am okay, I have what I need, and a Higher Power will provide for me. I have loved ones. I have myself. I have hope.

 

I read a quote. I don’t know where it came from.

It reads:

“You’ve seen better days, but you’ve also seen worse. You might not have everything you want, but you have everything you need. You woke up with some aches and pains, but you woke up. Your life may not be perfect, but you sure are blessed. Life is a beautiful thing.”

 

You woke up with aches and pains. Whether emotional or physical or both.

But

You

Woke

Up

 

Isn’t that the point?

We woke up.

We’re given another chance.

Another day filled with options, opportunities, challenges to be overcome, pain to be felt and learned from, love to feel and spread, beauty to experience.

We have another chance to do it right.

 

We woke up.

 

I love the serenity prayer.

Speaking to our Higher Power, whatever or whoever we believe and however we believe, we ask:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can

And wisdom to know the difference…

 

I cannot change and/or control people, places, things, situations.

I can change me. What I feel. What I do with what I feel. What I think. What I do with what I think. What steps I make to move forward with my own health and life. I can do this with dignity and respect to and for all, including myself always.

We all have that option. Though it might not always be an easy one. It is a good one to strive for. To practice. To decide it is important and worthy, as are we.

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Peace in the Holiday Bustling

 

This holiday season is different for me.

Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years.

If you celebrate something different than Christmas, no exclusion here. This includes you too.

 

Difference of perspective is what I wish we would all accumulate this year.

Peace instead of rat racing about, hurrying for this sale or that. Running to this relative’s house with every present we can find, ignoring sneers and petty comments because that’s what we’re supposed to do. Love instead of yelling and snapping when someone drops a feather on top of the stress-filled weekend because that’s what family does. Respect instead of ramming shopping carts into toddlers so that one sale doesn’t evade. Hope instead of miserating over aloneness.

Peace. Love. Respect. Hope.

Let’s go with those.

Instead of “shoulds”. Instead of “because that’s what family does”.

Should is a quick fix if you want suffering.

And for the record, family is respectful. Genetic donors are not. Family is understanding, forgiving, and will allow you to hold your boundaries without childish or spiteful vitriol. Genetically related individuals don’t’ make those loving choices.

Because let’s get honest. It’s a choice. Every moment is a choice.

We each have a choice.

Holiday spirit is real. If we chose to feel it. To make room in ourselves for it to enter.

To make room, we must cut some things out. Like hate. Resentment. Bitterness. Doubt. Rigidity. The belief that we have no control over ourselves, our lives, or the treatment we receive from others.

 

Peace. Love. Respect. Hope.

That’s my goal for this holiday season.

My hope for you, is the same.

 

 

I’ll just leave these thoughts here for you…. (they’re really resonating with me right now)

 

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”

 

“Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.”

 

“Where there is ruin, there is hope for a treasure.”

 

Rumi

 

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I Wish (2)

I wish

I could

Reach into

Your chest

 

Hold

Your heart

 

And breathe

Life

Into your

Skin

 

I wish

We

Revered

Hope

Instead of

Money

 

Love

Instead of

Power

 

I wish

My tongue

Told

Stories

With

Answers

Instead of

Questions

 

If I

Used

The

Whispers

Inside

Instead…

 

But I

Don’t

 

I wish

My soul

Grew

Wiser

Quicker

 

I wish

My eyes

Saw more

Than my

Gut

 

Or

At the

Very

Least

 

I wish

I

Listened

 

I wish

I knew

How to

Breathe

Without

Hurting

 

I wish

We all

Spoke

Truth

 

That my

Truth

Didn’t

Cause

More

Pain

 

I wish

I knew

What to

Do with

This

Anger

Inside

 

How to

Part

With

This

Anxiety

This

Doubt

 

The

Silent

One

Assaulting

Us all

Slithering

Through

Our veins

Is

Doubt

Fear

 

I wish

Eloquence

Dripped

From

My lips

Like the

Honey

From

So many

 

That messy

Wasn’t

How I

Learned

 

That

Suffering

Didn’t

Terrify

Me so

 

I wish

My heart

Beat

Spoke

Words

Into my

Mind

 

So I

Could

Understand

How I’d

Hurt it

 

So I

Could

Never

Forget…

 

But I

Cannot

Remember

 

I wish

Sometimes

So deeply

That I

Forget

It’s a wish

 

And then

I forget

It’s there

At all

 

 

By Daphne Shadows

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fighting self

i had a dream

the other night

it helped me understand

part of who i am

 

i ran

i hurt

i now know why

 

when i woke up

i understood

why i hurt myself

with food

art

thoughts

with hate

with arrows i sharpen

aim for my heart

pulling my

skin from muscles

veins from around bones

yanking my soul free

casting it aside

like so little trash

 

i live in a dream state

understanding

trying to figure out

how to change

the truth

i now know

 

 

by Daphne Shadows

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