Category Archives: Stream of Consciousness

Bad Habit

I get overwhelmed.

Overstimulated.

 

Then I lose myself.

To a jumble of masquerading shades and low vibrational, angry, shouts and growls clawing at me from the inside out until I can barely remember how to breathe.

I hide inside myself before my brain even realizes what’s going on.

It’s a habit.

 

It helps the pain win.

Pushes along the absurd idea that this is never going to end. I will never find a way out.

I will never be good enough.

Strong enough.

 

It’s a bad habit.

A learned behavior.

Conditioned behavior.

A symptom.

Side effect.

Take your pick.

 

This isn’t always the ‘why’ behind me going quiet.

This time it was.

 

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Schooling Woes

I believe schooling woes are a pretty good metaphor for life struggles.

I’m in college for the first time ever.

Due to a death in the family and all the drama and emotional pain that goes with that… I’m two days behind on work.

Basically, three chapters of reading and absorbing (and these are twenty-five-page chapters loaded with things to memorize), three chapters worth of workbook assignments, take fabulous notes, a two-part assignment, and read and absorb notes from the instructor. Due tonight.

I get done two chapters reading and absorbing and all the instructor’s notes. The assignment due isn’t on the third chapter, so I’ll read up on that tomorrow. It will be needed for future assignments but not tonight’s.

I’m doing good… Understand everything. Liking it. Great information. Do the assignment.  Took epic notes.

….Go to do the workbook assignments…

The workbook asks questions based on what’s going to be on tests and future assignments.

I read the workbook questions… NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON. Not what I took notes on or remember. Stuff I will never use and don’t care about.

 

You remember those tests in math in high school where they taught you A+B=C squared and then the test asked you the diameter of an alien’s eyeball if the neighbor’s donkey is three-legged and Sally is twice the age of Kim Kardashian…??? you know, those tests….

 

THAT’S what I just got slammed with. At nine at night.

Assignments due Monday.

What the frickety-frick?!?!

 

 

I think it’s a pretty good metaphor for life.

We think we’re learning what we need to. We think we’re prepared for whatever life decides to throw at us.

*WHAM*

Life smacks you upside the head with a Borderline Personality clown freshly escaped from a 51/50 with a brain made of cotton candy and a Glock down his belt.

 

I think what I’m taking from this is…

Life is about learning. Not getting straight “A”s, (which by the way, is a huge thing for me because I’ve always had straight “A”s).

Life is about discovery and new experiences. Finding options, possibilities, and avenues I never even thought possible.

Life is about letting the unimportant things go. Finding what the important things really are.

Failing my way into succeeding. Letting go of the fear of messing up.

Mistakes are going to happen.

 

“A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.”

Albert Einstein

 

 

Drowning in homework is NOT the point.

Do I even see the sunshine in the morning? Feel the breeze on my skin? Enjoy the sound of morning birds? Feel the calm of the early morning stillness?

Do I enjoy the stories my family tells me? Instead of brushing them off or drowning them out so I can study…

Do I really see the beautiful family and friends in my life? My gorgeous, sweet, goofy baby bunny (dog) with his floofy ears and big brown eyes?

Do I hear the laughter of the kids outside? … Or am I too worked up in a frenzy about what I must get done? Must check off the to-do list. Am I rushing through life, not even noticing it?

Do I feel myself becoming someone worthwhile? Or do I score my days by the workload and time spent studying over the actual life lived and knowledge integrated into the living of it?

 

“Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured.”

Gordon B. Hinckley

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Time

Time passes in an odd way.

We think we’ve got everything figured out and then it all crumbles under the weight of quick breaths, strangled emotions, and not enough…. wait…

I think we’ve got it backward. Jumbled. Mixed up. We’re desperately grasping for threads as we sit upon a bed of yarn.

Time isn’t moments ticking by.

Time is patient. It is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. It breathes deep. Caresses the mourning with pain and love too poignant to articulate. Welcomes the sunrise and stands in awe of the majesty of the forest and brooks and antlers brushing against the leaves, lifting tawny head to the rays blossoming into the sky. It sighs as we rush, hurry, think ourselves into disarray and hectic misery.

Time understands that we cannot force anything, anyone.

Holds our hand as we bite our lip and hold the tears in. Smiles against our eyelashes as we all but burst with the succulent blooming of spend your life with me.

Time imbues our veins with the thrill of success, passion that ignites drive, and the simple ecstasy of a life being lived in the right direction.

Learning from the past. Planning for the future. Dreaming. Hoping. Yearning. Yet time is ever aware. Here. Now. Breathing in. Breathing out. Waiting is not a pause. Though sometimes we need both.

Time rejoices at the birth of all life, ideas, love. Sorrows at the loss, the end, the dying. Comforts, revitalizes through the rebirth.

Time is whatever we make of it. Quite literally. Paradoxically, we can never change time. Never go back. Redo. We can start again, fresh.

Time is joy. Time is loss. Time is depth and scratching the surface. Waiting through the pain until we feel we might go mad from atrophy, the dismal slide into entropy. Running in the rain, splashing through the built-up water in the cavities of life until our socks are soaked and our laughter and tears mix in a bursting of something our chest cannot hold. Time is happily not knowing what lurks around the corner. Fear of possible pain. Fear that tomorrow will be precisely as today is.

Time is hope. There is always enough. It is we who must wait. Time cannot.

 

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Serenity

Serenity is a hard commodity to come by.

Even harder to hold onto.

Tragedy, loss, pain, affliction, confusion, chaos… these things happen in life. They are part of life.

This does not mean we cannot have and hold onto serenity. Peace. An assurance that I am okay, I have what I need, and a Higher Power will provide for me. I have loved ones. I have myself. I have hope.

 

I read a quote. I don’t know where it came from.

It reads:

“You’ve seen better days, but you’ve also seen worse. You might not have everything you want, but you have everything you need. You woke up with some aches and pains, but you woke up. Your life may not be perfect, but you sure are blessed. Life is a beautiful thing.”

 

You woke up with aches and pains. Whether emotional or physical or both.

But

You

Woke

Up

 

Isn’t that the point?

We woke up.

We’re given another chance.

Another day filled with options, opportunities, challenges to be overcome, pain to be felt and learned from, love to feel and spread, beauty to experience.

We have another chance to do it right.

 

We woke up.

 

I love the serenity prayer.

Speaking to our Higher Power, whatever or whoever we believe and however we believe, we ask:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

Courage to change the things I can

And wisdom to know the difference…

 

I cannot change and/or control people, places, things, situations.

I can change me. What I feel. What I do with what I feel. What I think. What I do with what I think. What steps I make to move forward with my own health and life. I can do this with dignity and respect to and for all, including myself always.

We all have that option. Though it might not always be an easy one. It is a good one to strive for. To practice. To decide it is important and worthy, as are we.

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Peace in the Holiday Bustling

 

This holiday season is different for me.

Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years.

If you celebrate something different than Christmas, no exclusion here. This includes you too.

 

Difference of perspective is what I wish we would all accumulate this year.

Peace instead of rat racing about, hurrying for this sale or that. Running to this relative’s house with every present we can find, ignoring sneers and petty comments because that’s what we’re supposed to do. Love instead of yelling and snapping when someone drops a feather on top of the stress-filled weekend because that’s what family does. Respect instead of ramming shopping carts into toddlers so that one sale doesn’t evade. Hope instead of miserating over aloneness.

Peace. Love. Respect. Hope.

Let’s go with those.

Instead of “shoulds”. Instead of “because that’s what family does”.

Should is a quick fix if you want suffering.

And for the record, family is respectful. Genetic donors are not. Family is understanding, forgiving, and will allow you to hold your boundaries without childish or spiteful vitriol. Genetically related individuals don’t’ make those loving choices.

Because let’s get honest. It’s a choice. Every moment is a choice.

We each have a choice.

Holiday spirit is real. If we chose to feel it. To make room in ourselves for it to enter.

To make room, we must cut some things out. Like hate. Resentment. Bitterness. Doubt. Rigidity. The belief that we have no control over ourselves, our lives, or the treatment we receive from others.

 

Peace. Love. Respect. Hope.

That’s my goal for this holiday season.

My hope for you, is the same.

 

 

I’ll just leave these thoughts here for you…. (they’re really resonating with me right now)

 

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.”

 

“Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.”

 

“Where there is ruin, there is hope for a treasure.”

 

Rumi

 

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No Need

“No need to hurry. No need to sparkle. No need to be anybody but oneself.”

Virginia Woolf

 

small and simple

real and true

 

this holiday season, please remember to be who you are

slow down

and be

 

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Don’t Forget

“All alone! Whether you like it or not, alone is something you’ll be quite a lot!”
― Dr. Seuss

 

 

We need to remember. The number one person we need to like us – is us.

We are going to be alone in our own skin quite a lot, without a distraction.

Do you like yourself?

Do you have self-compassion?

Do you respect yourself?

Trust yourself?

Hold your boundaries (part of respecting yourself)?

Are you comfortable when you’re alone in your own head?

 

Last question: Are you uncomfortable when you’re alone in your own head?

If so, you probably have an addiction of some sort so that you can keep yourself distracted OR you are highly sensitive to the possibility of becoming an addict.

 

We need to like ourselves. If not, every other thing in life is quite pointless.

Because if you hate yourself, you most likely are not living and are not loving in a healthy manner.

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