Category Archives: Stream of Consciousness

During Therapy

“I know of people who are bedridden. I’m not saying I’m not grateful.” I smirk at her. “You know I’m a lot more grateful now, than I ever was. I see the greatness in my life, the potential, options, beauty, goodness.”

I look down, play with the black tassel of the zipper on my bag. “I fight it. I don’t think I’ve accepted it, how it affects me, controls me, every day.”

My therapist smiles softly. “How do you fight against it?”

“Struggle to be awake, to focus, to get rid of a chronic illness, one of many. It’s like I’m filled with lead in a world of people filled with helium. And I’m sitting here berating myself as if I’m only being lazy.”

“And how would you be if it didn’t affect you?”

I shrug. “Without ME? I’d have energy. Suddenly not be affected by it at all. Be able to focus and be part of my life. I actually like life now. I want to be here for it. Instead I’m sleeping it away.”

“What do you think you’d have to do in order to stop allowing ME to affect you?”, my therapist asks.

My laugh is short and without humor. “Be God.”

 

She laughs and smiles. “You’ve got it.”

“There are only two things you need to know about God.” She holds up a finger. “One, there is a God.” A second finger. “Two, you aren’t God.”

 

“You’re experiencing a lull, yes. But it’s normal.” She responds to my concern. “Life does this. Humans do this. It’s like going to college. At first, you’re excited, you’ve got your eye on the prize – your degree, your desired job. Freshman year is a breeze. But then it gets hard. The homework. The papers get harder. The professors, the lack of sleep.” She looks at me, kind, clever, and all-knowing as ever. “You’re somewhere in your sophomore/junior year. Keeping going.”

“Right,” I agree, nodding my head as I think it through, “life is always going to be hard.”

I brighten a bit, a troubling issue illuminated. “You’re right. I’m doing everything I need to be. I’m taking care of my responsibilities and striving to do better at being kind to myself, accepting myself for who I am. I’m finding ways to enjoy my life. I eat some froyo and deal with the minor migraine later that night. Then the next day I go back to eating the way my SIBO having self can deal with, without regretting or getting down on myself for indulging. I’m still trying and in many ways succeeding.”

I smile to myself. Take a deep breath in, let it out.

“My depression and anxiety are just taking me through a detour. I’m still on the right path.”

 

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Before Therapy

I’m about to go to my therapy appointment.

Feeling a bit… shall we say… internal, today.

Self-analyzing, philosophical. Quiet.

I’m also truly there again.

Not completely, it’s only a minor slope. But it’s a definite downward lull.

 

Dead.

Void.

Don’t care.

But then again, I do.

Why else would I feel on edge?

 

Depression and anxiety feed off of one another, trapping me between a rock and a hard place. An immovable object against an unstoppable force.

 

I’m find joy in multiple things today.

I do.

I feel joy in the lesson I’m about to prepare.

Joy in the donut I’m going to eat after I get back from therapy.

Joy in the book I have to read.

The dog staring up at me with big brown, curious, loving eyes.

My family.

Joy itself.

Life itself.

The options, choices to be made.

The possibility that I could work on my writing today.

 

Even though I probably won’t.

I don’t have any energy. It’s not just physical. Emotional energy. I’m out of it. I’m not certain if its depression, anxiety, or ME/CFS. Perhaps all of them at once. But I’m drained of the ability to move, motivation, energy in general. The strength to lift my limbs. The world is a murky pool of molasses, my body a thick, awkward figure of solid iron and cotton balls.

Not of desire. I’m not robbed of that. I want to create. To work on my writing. To piece together my lesson. I feel inspired.

 

What’s the point of all this blogging stuff going on here?

Is this post relevant?

Is it pointless?

Am I complaining, yammering, going on and on about myself?

Or am I connecting?

I’m not entirely certain.

 

I have these moments.

Where I’m outside of myself.

Wondering, what am I doing?

 

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Weird Dream

I had the strangest dream the other morning.

 

I was asleep in a house with my entire family. They were in the living room together. I was down the hall in my room, half asleep. This was our home, had all our stuff in it, and only our family lived there.

Lebron James walks out of the room next to mine and goes into the living room, dripping annoyance as he says, “If Daphne doesn’t wake up soon, we’re not going to be able to watch the movies.”

 

Weirdest dream ever.

Seriously.

I dream about people eviscerating other people; creatures chasing vulnerable people and attacking with sledge hammers and foot long, thick fangs; falling in love with (very attractive, human looking) aliens; the world ending with just me and my dog left; falling, hitting the ground, and flying.

I wake up and think woohoo! Great story ideas, hurry up and write this down.

But that?

Definitely my oddest dream thus far.

I don’t even watch basketball.

I don’t know anything about Lebron James except that he plays the game!

 

Since I started taking medication for depression and anxiety I’ve been dreaming. A lot. I didn’t used to dream except now and again. They started out really uncomfortable bad dreams, but now they’re great for my creative writing self!

 

Had any strange dreams lately?

 

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Grey Isn’t All Bad

Grey

Pigeons are gray.

They’re other colors too.

Pigeons are dorky goofy.

I’ve decided I don’t like the work dorky, I’m going for goofy from now on. It’s what I actually mean.

Do you ever say things out of conditioned behaviors? It’s annoying.

I’m trying to find all of mine and get rid of them.

 

 

Grey

My clothes are basically gray, black, and blue.

I have one red shirt, one dark pink shirt. I’d rather call it close to mauve.

My slipper boots are gray and chocolate brown. They go well together, those colors.

I like the slipper boots better as they keep my feet warmer.

 

Grey

I think gray is unfairly disliked by most people.

I like gray.

It’s not dreary or doom-ish in my opinion.

It’s warm.

It’s also on my wolf/husky plushy. Which I obviously like.

Also, the color of the skull on my desk.

Not a real skull. Unfortunately. I’d get in trouble if it was real.

*pout*

 

Grey

A lot of people have chosen to talk about their chronic illness for this daily prompt.

Why?

Why does the color illicit this subject?

Perhaps it is connected with shades of grey. (The phrase not the abuse-celebration book series.)

Chronic illness is a grey area.

Not much known.

Not many people are given hope, answers, a way to live with what they’ve acquired.

So, we figure it out on our own.

Perhaps it’s a dreary, lonely road with more question marks than possible answers. But I find I don’t hate it. We’ve all got our struggles, demons, and suffering. Through acceptance, I can learn to deal with my chronic issues, chronic diseases, and chronic illnesses.

 

Grey

Is an interesting topic.

Color.

Warm and cold, soft and solid at once.

What is grey?

 

Grey

I really liked this person’s response to today’s daily prompt: The Fantasy of Gray.

 

What is grey to you?

Today’s daily prompt: https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/gray/

(just in case you want to try it out)

 

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Some Words and Links

Real amazing title, right?

Moving on from that mind blowing experience.

 

I’ve changed my contact info because my email address wouldn’t let me keep my emails. Or sometimes read them…

So if you’ve emailed me and I haven’t responded…. I probably didn’t get it.

Hence the changing of the email addresses.

Thank you to those who kept pestering me until I realized they’d been trying to communicate with me.

 

Anywho, so that this post has something in it worth reading, check out these three posts that I love.

 

(d)iluted

Ready? Set? Go!

Grace Enough

 

And, also, check out this adorable, less than one minute long, video of an adorable kitten and puppy.

I said adorable twice in that sentence.

*shakes head at self*

Deal with it.

 

Also, I have the Winnie the Pooh theme song chorus playing over and over again in my head. I don’t know where it came from…

Have a nice day!

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Doubt. Hesitate. Hope.

A lot of the time I doubt that I have anything positive to bring to the blogging world. Or the world at all. I feel like all I have to talk about are depressing things. That I’ll bring people down. Dampen the mood. That I’m such a sulking hulk of depressing ooze and slobbery emotional muck.

But I’m slowly realizing that that’s not true at all.

It’s the same with the stories I tell. The stories that have come to me since I was a child.

My experiences have been dark and painful, yet I’m filled with hope. My stories aren’t of pain and loss and depressing failure. They’re about pain and loss and survival, hope leading to thriving.

I struggle daily with issues. Things that will never go away, memories that will always haunt. Health issues which will never give me peace. I struggle with anxiety and depression.

But I am not a lost cause.

I am finding peace and harmony, carving out my own love and passion. I’m finding a way to live my own life, building experiences filled with optimism and happiness.

 

 

A lot of the time I hesitate to speak up. To add my voice, my truths, to the world around me.

But the darkness in me is what has given me strength to rise, to fight my way up to the light.

The pain inside me allows peace and happiness to blossom into something glorious and infinite. Because I cry, the realization that my smile is genuine and filled with true joy is so much sweeter. Learning to simply breathe and enjoy my days and nights is a testament to the despair I’ve fought my way out of.

Emotional scars do not brand me. They show me as a survivor. Strong. Capable.

Ready to live.

 

There’s a phrase I’ve heard recently which I love.

“Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.” – Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Believe in yourself. 😉

 

 

This was a combination of WordPress daily prompts. I combined the first two prompts of March. “Doubt” and “Hesitate”.

I don’t think these things out. I go with what pings in my mind first.

What comes to your mind when you think of “doubt” or “hesitate”?

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Instinct

The daily prompt a few days ago was instinct.

Upon reading it, the word that pinged in my head was intuition.

 

Successful people listen to their intuition.

When I say successful, I don’t mean people who make a mega load of money and live in gold filled castles.

I mean people who are happy. Truly harmonious in their environment. They’ve found peace with who they are, the world they live in, and those who live within it with them.

 

Number one thing this world numbs us to?

Ourselves.

Our intuition.

The voice inside.

 

 

The world tells us to ignore it. Disbelieve it. Shame it. Write over top it in the worlds’ lush, arsenic-filled, bold, loud script.

Basically, get rid of you and put on this plastic suit, so you can be miserable while simultaneously what other people want of you. And boy, you had better act like you like it.

 

Antidote? Find a way to live your live as the person you are, in the way which is right for you.

(unless you’re a murderer, rapist, or animal abuser – then I think you should just die slowly in a hole)

Simple antidote?

Don’t let their voices drown out the one inside you.

Simple but extremely difficult, challenging, and complicated.

 

 

Follow your intuition, your gut. You know what is right for you.

Don’t lose you.

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