My Number One Pet Peeve

Okay, so I have eighty zillion (is that a number?) (that’s probably not a word) pet peeves, probably. I have no idea.

I am a really certain person right this moment, guys.

Possibly.

I don’t actually know because I can’t access all of my thoughts at the same time… like not even the ones that I’m thinking right now, all at the same time. Is this making sense? Let’s just go with, I’m weird (strange?) and this is my number one pet peeves. If I end up having more than one number one pet peeve, don’t be surprised. That’s how reality works in my mind.

 

Mila Kunis says it beautifully.

I am not, nor have I ever been pregnant, but I do believe ONLY FEMALES GET PREGNANT.

What’s up with men constantly trying to take credit for things chicks do?

My gosh! You already have the physical strength! You already have your macho, misogynistic mind control over the majority of the human beings in power! You get to take a walk by yourself without the opposite sex harassing you! You get paid more! You already get treated like a human being by most of the human race, instead of like a sex toy with no rights/thoughts. You already have the lack of pap smears! You get to lose weight in the blink of an eye while we struggle to lose a pound! WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT?!

(to keep it fair, there are things that women can do that men can’t – and there are a lot of feminist men)

 

But anywho…

Men – you are not ‘pregnant’.

You don’t have these issues:

  • puke every day
  • puke every time you eat
  • puke every time you don’t eat
  • feel like you’re going to puke every moment of every day
  • you don’t have to deal with the physical or psychological effects of peeing yourself
  • you don’t, consequently, have to wear a freaking panty liner every day and night (and that rubs after a while)
  • poop all over yourself and your child while giving birth
  • push a watermelon sized human being out of your vagina
  • possibly rip your vagina all the way to your anus (episiotomy)
  • have to get that stitched up
  • poop for the first time after childbirth – apparently it feels like you’re smuggling an angry porcupine out of a straw
  • worry about being loose afterward
  • deal with everyone’s ridiculous comments, questions, smugness, and ability to bend over and stand back up without issue
  • get told you’re so lucky to be pregnant when EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE HURTS
  • you can’t see your own feet
  • you want to eat everything everywhere, every moment
  • get stretchmarks which, let me tell ya, makes us all feel SO BEAUTIFUL (I have stretch marks simply from growing, so I can say “us” in this one)
  • feel your boobs screaming inside your bra
  • have an alien doing martial arts inside you while you’re trying to sleep

 

So men, I don’t want to hear it. YOU are not pregnant. Yes, you have to deal with a moody woman. You’re so big and tough and manly and get all the perks and none of the pain, DEAL WITH IT. The women have to actually deal with it. And by it, I mean being possessed by an alien that wants to ruin their bodies and take over their lives.

(as a side note, most women say its worth it and they’d do it again) (personally, I think they’re probably on heroin when they say this)

 

And just for fun:

 

Men – what do you think? Should men be able to say “we are pregnant?”

Women – what do you think? Should men be able to say “we are pregnant” or do you have the urge to slam their head into the cement when this happens? What’s something terrible about pregnancy that I missed? What’s something you loved?

Who is your favorite male feminist?

Do you think the Try Guys’ experience is close to real labor?

 

Follow up (what is this, a doctor appointment?) Follow up to Pregnancy Pet Peeve.

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4 Comments

Filed under The Odd Bit

4 responses to “My Number One Pet Peeve

  1. Does this mean no great grandchild ???

    Sent from my iPhone

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  2. Tannis Boyd

    I belly laughed so hard when I read your post!! Your sense of humor has always cracked me up!! 🙂 My favorite Guy supporter of Feminists is Chris Evans. I’m sorry but you, nor your brother or sister felt like aliens in my tummy… gymnasts/martial artists all three, but not aliens!! I loved knowing that a creation from God was growing inside of me. I went back and did it twice after you. Crazy – Yes and NO!! Being pregnant was hard on my body, but after y’all were out – I had lots of energy!! And, I totally agree with you – THE FEMALE IS PREGNANT!! It’s not “we” are pregnant. I find it humorous that the Try Guys are wearing the whole get up to see what it’s like when you’re pregnant. And, I’m glad that they said they felt that their MOM’S were awesome after that. Did they get to feel what labor is like – maybe a little – some women feel nothing – others really suffer horrendous pain. Well said!

  3. This post is so beautiful! And yes, I too believe that you must be on drugs or under some kind of mind control to think that it’s worth it to have to endure so much physical pain/resulting insecurities just to have a miniature human take over your life and wallet, insuring you have no free time or money. And you’re not even guaranteed that they’ll turn out well or that you’ll have a good relationship with them. It always annoys me when people say, “he’s having a baby.” NO. No, he is watching a woman who is (hopefully) close to him grow his offspring. It is different.

  4. Okay. I am (sorry to say) a guy, and a father of two young men, and the grandfather of a 1 yr old little girl. But I still agree with everything you just said and loved how you said it. Righteous and hysterically funny anger is a joy to behold! I actually have a suggested addition that I have witnessed too many times, from both men & women, feeling the freedom to touch a pregnant woman’s belly. My belief is that if you didn’t have the right to touch her belly before she was pregnant, you don’t have that right after she is. But on behalf of men everywhere, I am seriously & truly sorry… M

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