Okay, so I have eighty zillion (is that a number?) (that’s probably not a word) pet peeves, probably. I have no idea.
I am a really certain person right this moment, guys.
I don’t actually know because I can’t access all of my thoughts at the same time… like not even the ones that I’m thinking right now, all at the same time. Is this making sense? Let’s just go with, I’m weird (strange?) and this is my number one pet peeves. If I end up having more than one number one pet peeve, don’t be surprised. That’s how reality works in my mind.
Mila Kunis says it beautifully.
I am not, nor have I ever been pregnant, but I do believe ONLY FEMALES GET PREGNANT.
What’s up with men constantly trying to take credit for things chicks do?
My gosh! You already have the physical strength! You already have your macho, misogynistic mind control over the majority of the human beings in power! You get to take a walk by yourself without the opposite sex harassing you! You get paid more! You already get treated like a human being by most of the human race, instead of like a sex toy with no rights/thoughts. You already have the lack of pap smears! You get to lose weight in the blink of an eye while we struggle to lose a pound! WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT?!
(to keep it fair, there are things that women can do that men can’t – and there are a lot of feminist men)
Men – you are not ‘pregnant’.
You don’t have these issues:
- puke every day
- puke every time you eat
- puke every time you don’t eat
- feel like you’re going to puke every moment of every day
- you don’t have to deal with the physical or psychological effects of peeing yourself
- you don’t, consequently, have to wear a freaking panty liner every day and night (and that rubs after a while)
- poop all over yourself and your child while giving birth
- push a watermelon sized human being out of your vagina
- possibly rip your vagina all the way to your anus (episiotomy)
- have to get that stitched up
- poop for the first time after childbirth – apparently it feels like you’re smuggling an angry porcupine out of a straw
- worry about being loose afterward
- deal with everyone’s ridiculous comments, questions, smugness, and ability to bend over and stand back up without issue
- get told you’re so lucky to be pregnant when EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE HURTS
- you can’t see your own feet
- you want to eat everything everywhere, every moment
- get stretchmarks which, let me tell ya, makes us all feel SO BEAUTIFUL (I have stretch marks simply from growing, so I can say “us” in this one)
- feel your boobs screaming inside your bra
- have an alien doing martial arts inside you while you’re trying to sleep
So men, I don’t want to hear it. YOU are not pregnant. Yes, you have to deal with a moody woman. You’re so big and tough and manly and get all the perks and none of the pain, DEAL WITH IT. The women have to actually deal with it. And by it, I mean being possessed by an alien that wants to ruin their bodies and take over their lives.
(as a side note, most women say its worth it and they’d do it again) (personally, I think they’re probably on heroin when they say this)
And just for fun:
Men – what do you think? Should men be able to say “we are pregnant?”
Women – what do you think? Should men be able to say “we are pregnant” or do you have the urge to slam their head into the cement when this happens? What’s something terrible about pregnancy that I missed? What’s something you loved?
Who is your favorite male feminist?
Do you think the Try Guys’ experience is close to real labor?
Follow up (what is this, a doctor appointment?) Follow up to Pregnancy Pet Peeve.