Something Unlikely

In the recesses of my soul, I fear it’s unlikely for me to find love.

A whole, healthy love.

An accepting, understanding love.

Someone who not only understands me, knows me, but wants me to be in their lives, every day. Someone who finds me important.

Bereft of abuse of any sort.

This is horribly vulnerable and I hate it. But it’s true.

 

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And I think it is sad.

Sad that I am so jaded, so hopeless when it comes to some things.

I think it is sad that I am so filled with such emptiness that I don’t know where to look inside myself to find myself.

I feel I need to peal open the skin on my rib cage, crack open my ribs, and peer inside, hoping there will be a beating heart, to begin with. But beyond that, hoping I’ll find a small, scared, soul hiding somewhere behind an organ or too. Waiting to be found.

Waiting to be accepted.

 

Isn’t that just so human?

It’s not something I obsess about.

It’s not something I even think about too often.

I’m certainly not one of those gals who searches for a man like her life depends on it. I never thought about my wedding. Never fantasized about walking down the aisle, all doe eyed, and plastered in white.

For one, I don’t want to wear white on my wedding day, whenever or if that happens.

And for two, I’ve always been too busy fantasizing about monsters, creatures that could jar me into danger and maddening enjoyment of life.

I’ve never been the kind of gal who had to have twenty friends, surrounded by people all the time, making her feel wanted and loved. I’m not particularly needy. In fact, I need my space.

 

So it isn’t a crazy unhealthy thing.

It simply is. In the back of my mind. Floating along with all those other thoughts or beliefs, I guess, that don’t bother me too often. Or affect me all that often either.

There are simply some things I’m not going to poke at until I’ve worked out where I am right now.

 

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What I’m talking about is the human desire to be loved on a level that only happens when one falls in love.

A knowing and an accepting.

 

I think it’s what we are; human.

We want that other human who we can be 100% human around and still be loved.

 

Did I mention this is terribly vulnerable?

Terribly.

I don’t know how Rara does it!

 

 

This is post #2 in Rara’s #Somethingist challenge. For my original post (which explains things), click  here. And then join the challenge! ;D

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4 Comments

Filed under Stream of Consciousness

4 responses to “Something Unlikely

  1. Nancy Joyner

    We are celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary in September. It was “unlikely” that we would stay together as we were 16 & 18 years old when we married. We had to find ourselves before we could accept each other at that age. And it took quite a while! But, miracles do happen ❤️❤️. As Deb says…..just row your boat and enjoy the trip!

    • Congratulations!!!
      And thank you.
      I think it is so awesome that you guys found yourselves and stayed together! I feel like so many people doubt real love, which then seeps into the way people see possibilities for their own relationships. I’m glad you don’t buy into it and continue to help me not to either.

  2. Deb Panos

    Dearest Daphne,
    I say this is a beautifully vulnerable piece not “horribly ” as you stated in the 1st part. I related to every single sentiment you’ve expressed for you are me when I was about 30. Back then, I was a single mom and fiercely independent yet strongly desiring to love and be loved by a partner in this crazy world. Hindsight is 20/20, and looking back I can see that my focus (though not always consciously) was more on the fear part than the love. It took me several years and a couple very poor relationships until I finally was able to hit my thought “rest button”. I told myself I had had enough of thinking about this, worrying about this, “efforting” about this love business. Universe – you know my heart’s desire. So, I’m ready when you’re ready but until then, I am going to relax more and row row row my boat gently down stream and be merry!! (YES- this was one of your previous posts) I let go of the fear and words like “it’s unlikely for me to find love.” Then, I funny thing happened within several months of my new declaration. My long-time friend Bob finally got his courage up to tell me that he really, really liked me and actually wanted to go on a date. At first I resisted bc I never ever thought about Bob romantically. But I remembered my new mantra – merrily, merrily and went with the flow. So, we’ve been married now for 13 years and have 4 kids – mine, his and ours. Can you believe it?! It’s true. Looking back at where my 30 year-old mind was at, I really didn’t think it was possible. Therein lies the difference girl – just believe it. If it’s your heart’s true desire – it will happen!

    • I feel like I should just print this out and keep it with me for when I start doubting myself and the likelihood that I’ll find love. Thank you!
      Ah – and that was so cool that you remember my other post. ;D
      That is so amazing that you ended up finding your love when you’d decided to stop worrying over it! Thank you so much for sharing.

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