I Am Not Apologizing

I am not apologizing for feeling fragile.

I am not apologizing for where I am at in life right now.

I am not apologizing for how I’ve grown up and for how it helped shape me into someone who has to learn how to walk, so to speak, now, in her early twenties.

I am not going to apologize for not telling the full story.

 

I am not going to apologize.

 

I am so tired of people getting their panties in a bunch because I’m not someone I’m not.

I’m feeling vulnerable, I’m learning new things, I’m building up strength I should’ve been building as a child. I am speaking truthfully sometimes instead of sugar coating.

 

People don’t understand.

They don’t want to.

People, for instance, who don’t understand things they’ve never experienced. Like depression. They just want people to suck it up, get out of bed, knock it off, and change their lives, stop moping. Some people can’t understand.

I’m tired of feeling I have to justify what I feel.

 

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I am not apologizing for someone else’s issues.

For saying no.

 

I am not going to apologize.

For having to learn to allow myself to cry.

For not being fearless.

I think a little courage is what we all need, not to be fearless. Fearless is the toddler that touches the burner even though she’s been warned it will burn her. Fearless is jumping into unneeded danger. Fearless is a lack of common sense. A little fear for the right reasons is healthy.

Courage is being afraid but doing what one must anyway. Working through the fear, the terror, the paralyzing panic that tells me I can’t do this, can’t get through this, can’t muster up.

What I want is courage. And I won’t apologize for only having discovered this.

 

I am not going to apologize for not having a clear direction.

Not understanding what I feel half the time.

I am not apologizing for making mistakes.

I am not apologizing for being different than you.

For learning slower than you.

For having experienced less than you.

 

I am not apologizing for caring about the things I do.

For feeling the ways I do, all at the same time, feeling like my head and heart are spinning madly out of control, spending all my energy on trying to keep my head up.

I am not apologizing for taking baby steps.

For being emotional.

For being unemotional on the outside.

 

I guess I am not going to apologize for being stuck.

For feeling trapped inside my own skin. Inside this cage I no longer recognize but call home. Inside this never ending sadness, feeling so alone, so overwhelmed, overcrowded, helpless.

I am not going to apologize for having weakness.

I am most certainly not going to apologize for just now learning to find my own strength.

 

I am realizing that I don’t need to apologize.

Scratch that. I get it now.

I don’t need to justify myself to others.

I don’t need someone to understand me if it means sacrificing who I am. I want to be understood, to be accepted, yes. Most everyone does. And I don’t need to apologize for that either.

 

I’m not apologizing for changing my mind.

For taking forever to make decisions because its difficult for me to find out what I want, what I feel, what I actually think.

I am not apologizing for being a little lost.

I am not apologizing for needing space.

I am not apologizing for being angry.

Feeling confused.

Being jaded.

Naïve.

 

I am not apologizing for being unfinished.

Conflicted.

I am not apologizing for my honesty.

For needing my own identity.

I deserve my own thoughts, emotions, desires. My own freedom to live and breathe inside my own skin and not to doubt that I’m justified in doing so.

 

 

I am not apologizing for clomping through the muck until I find healthy perspective in the middle somewhere.

Life is messy. Personalities, reasons, ideals, actions -it all collides and mixes together, clashes or matches, whirls past one other. No one has this thing figured out. We’ve all got questions and insecurities and wonderments, confidence and common sense, bad days and magnificent days.

Not apologizing for that.

 

I am going to sit here and quite happily, quite painfully, be.

I am not apologizing.

 

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