To Disappear

To disappear

It’s quite simple, really.

Stop breathing.

I don’t mean to die.

I mean stop living.

Forget.

Deny.

Close your eyes and pretend.

 

And then there’s nothing.

Urgency to breathe only comes now and again.

Subsides when your soul flutters to a standstill.

Though your heart still pumps blood.

Your eyes still see.

Simply not the truth.

You’re breathing fine anyway, physically.

 

But you know.

You know it’s not all.

You know you’re not breathing.

It’s in your bones.

Starts to hurt.

Inch by inch.

Step by step.

Lie by lie.

Begins somewhere deep.

You don’t even understand.

Words don’t fit it.

 

This is your choice.

The one you have to make.

And deciding not to make it, is a choice as well.

But it is yours.

You own it.

 

Can you feel it?

Burning, twisting, twining.

Screaming.

Begging.

Can you hear it?

Clawing into your gut.

Beating at the wisps of deception.

Bleeding into your soul.

Ripping at the bindings you’ve solidified around it.

 

Or do I close my eyes again.

Let it fall to the side.

Keep walking.

Ignore the tears.

The shrieking fears battering inside my skull.

Trying so hard to free me.

 

This will pass.

But not if I let the truth die.

Speak the automated lines.

Define the silence with everything but my own sorrow.

Anything but the sorrow, the anger.

The sadness.

Anything.

 

Anything?

Do I chose to disappear over anything.

Even the possibility of living.

The possibility of joy.

Love.

 

Anything?

 

Aren’t things supposed to make more sense.

As time passes.

Isn’t it a rule somewhere that I’ll know.

Wake up and know.

 

I guess not.

It just gets harder.

Messier.

Deeper.

More vague.

Black and white is long gone.

 

I guess the problem is,

I don’t know.

How to breathe.

How to choose.

How to see.

 

To disappear

Is quite simple, really.

But is it worth it?

Emptiness has brought me here.

 

I guess I couldn’t see it.

I only saw through the eyes of others.

While right for each soul who spoke from their own mouths,

Their eyes, their hearts, can’t see what my own need to see.

 

I am terrified.

I do not fit in the perfect.

Smiles and light-hearted glossy words and dreams, every moment.

I do not fit in the image.

I cannot.

And it breaks me as I try.

I let it.

Beat me, break me, try me, convince me I am not enough.

Convince me that to feel is the end. Done.

Dead.

Failure.

 

Smile.

Perk up.

Put on that beautiful mask.

The world says.

 

I guess the truth is, the last hit is hovering.

Alone and suffocating,

I’m the only one who can save me.

And I’m choking the life out of my own lungs.

One heart beat to the next.

 

I guess the truth is,

I thought I had to see what was wrong,

Pick up the pieces,

Fix it,

And be perfect.

Or I was once again, still, forever; something unspeakable.

 

The truth is,

I have no idea what the truth is.

I cannot fix this tonight.

 

I am lost.

Teeter tottering back and forth.

I suppose I’m not dealing with it.

I’m pushing it away.

 

To disappear

Is quite simple, really.

But at what cost?

 

by Daphne Shadows

 

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10 Comments

Filed under Not that Kind of Poetry

10 responses to “To Disappear

  1. I stumbled upon your blog this morning. As if my soul had found a voice with the same desperate feelings I have experienced the past few years. Feeling lost, yet now – in this moment a glimmer of hope. It is not an easy task to find a way out of the darkness. The light does dwell within, it just sometimes dims until we can find it and stoke it again.

  2. Beautiful and poignant. Stay strong, my friend xxxx

  3. Tannis DeWall

    Well said.

  4. Mike Mulcahy

    Stay and be visible…and keep writing….

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  5. Anonymous

    Very moving ducky.

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