I guess when everything falls apart, and you finally reach that breaking point, where you’re pissed off but you decide enough is enough – you begin to search for your way home.
I’ve run away from home. From my soul.
By running away from my hopes and dreams. By running away from my identity.
I guess my heart has grown stale.
A person can only take so much living for others, with their heart and soul walled off from their consciousness, before they start to lose it.
Enough fear. Enough seeking for the world to approve of me. Enough hating myself, berating myself, and doubting myself.
I can’t fix those things instantly, but I’m tired of the downward slope.
It’s time to head upward.
No one is going to hand me my identity. No one is going to pop up in a haze of fairy dust, smack me upside the head with a wand, and declare that, “I, Daphne, am so and so”. I’m not going to have a “moment” where everything becomes clear and I just “know” who I am. No one else is going to find me.
That’s my job.
So to hell with fixing other people, with throwing my soul out the window, and jumping on someone else’s circus. I’ve got my own thank you! I’m going to deal with my issues.
And I have every right to enjoy finding myself.
So who am I?
This is an interesting question.
I don’t have the slightest idea.
But that’s where we all start, isn’t it?
It reminds me of a comment Brian left on my blog, on the fourth post I ever wrote:
It sounds like you grew up during that whole university fiasco. Without living for yourself you become a drone, mindless and controlled. At some point, for better of worse, we must take the controls and navigate our own way through life. Better to figure these things out early on, than look back with regret. The simple fact is everything we do makes us who we are, even the mistakes. The smart ones keep learning and finding ways to improve themselves.
It takes courage to stand on your own. Stay true to yourself and good things will happen.
“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”–Mark Twain
He nailed it right on the head.
You don’t just wake up one morning and have it all figured out. This will take me time, I’ll make mistakes, and get emotional.
But I’m done being down in the dumps. I’ll have my days but I’m not getting stuck there anymore. I can be hopeful and down at the same time.
Kind of like that phrase – I need to get my demons on my side.
Honestly – who on earth wouldn’t want a demon as their backup? (fantasy not biblical demons, here people) I mean really – best thing ever. Could you imagine if someone tried to steal your wallet?
I’m doing this to myself.
I’m tired of giving myself unnecessary rules and restrictions. I’d rather be a mess. An authentic mess. Random, emotional, unpredictable, and vulnerable. But real.
So let’s move forward, shall we?
Maybe you need to fall flat on your butt and struggle in the muck for a while before you decide it would be easier to stand up and, like a sunflower, aim for the food you need, regardless of how messy the field is you’re planted in.
Do you know who you are? Did you ever struggle to find your identity? Ever allow the world or someone in your world to control who you “became”?