I Sabotage Myself

I sabotage myself. No two ways around it.

How do I do this, you might ask?

 

Like any good moron, I do the same thing time and time again. When I’ve bled myself dry of all inspiration, unhappy with myself and everything else in existence, I finally get so moody and miserable that I realize I’ve suffocated myself of all that feeds me. Again.

Creative types need inspiration. When the world turns to bone dry, drab greys of work and no fun, I lose it. I start writing because it’s something I have to do. Not because it’s something I want to do.

 

But that didn’t really answer you. How do I sabotage myself? I cut myself off from everything I enjoy, everything which brings out raw emotion inside me. For a creative person, that pretty much equals death.

I get up, do what 100% absolutely, needs to be done. I eat, exercise, sleep, make dinner, write a bit, and do whatever else I have to get done that day.

I do not, repeat – do not – read a book, tweet, blog, look for new music, research things not related to my current novel, look up quotes, fantasy art, watch reruns, sketch, search for new blogs or people on twitter, organize my work space, and something else I’m probably forgetting. I do nothing fun. At all.

Why? Because for some reason, I have again, shamed myself out of it.

I have no idea why I guilt myself out of enjoying the little things until I burn myself out. Why do I feel I must work work work! or I’m failing at life? It’s dumb, I know. But I guess I haven’t figured that out yet. It’s kind of like a phobia. I can SAY this, understand it, and reasonably accept what I’m saying, yet the behavior is still there.

*head desk*

 

WHAT’S MY ISSUE?

I don’t think the problem starts within me. Instead, I’m taking too much stalk in the opinions of others. Mainly, society’s.

No fun. Work. That’s responsible, productive, that’s what you’re supposed to do, right?

I get so caught up in what everyone else thinks I should be doing with my life that I forget it’s my life. So I cut everything I enjoy out of my life.

Again, pretty dumb of me. I need to enjoy life. Or else there’s no point to it. Why not enjoy the time we have to live as a 100% unique creature? Be inspired. Be happy.

Even after I’ve remember all of this and begun to add in what inspires me, I still have to jolt myself back into writing for the right reasons.

And this takes a lot more work than you’d think.

 

DSC_1023

 

WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

I knew before starting draft #4 that I didn’t want to do that this time around. I want to remember why I write. Because I love it, I enjoy it. It’s who I am. Not a requirement.

I started cutting myself off from any inspiration before I began writing again – but caught myself this time, a few weeks ago.

Yay me!

However, I still have to remind myself why I’m writing every time I go to write. Negative processes tend to stick in the brain’s memory a lot longer than positive ones do.

So I wrote myself a note. I do that a lot; write myself out of my issues. I also write many lists of what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, and where I want to go with it. If I’m having a particularly hard time organizing my thoughts, I write them all down so they’re not floating around playing battleship with my marbles.

This time however, I decided to write myself a note on how to fix my writing issues, and post them on my corkboard. That’d be the green sticky notes all over this post.

 

I joined this group called #amwriting which I found on Twitter on February 1st when a friend recommended it. You can look it up HERE. When you join, they have you type in your writing goals for the month. They then post them on their website for the length of that month, so everyone can see them. They ask that you blog on your writing on a weekly basis so that everyone in the group can then cheer you on. Pretty cool, right?

But blog every week about my writing?

Ha ha!

Not happening.

I’m thinking I’ll blog on my writing issues, endeavors, speed bumps, crazy squirrel-aliens, and accomplishments once (maybe! twice) a month.

I won’t bore you with the actual writing in and outs. Maybe I’ll write about something I find strangely interesting that I found while researching. Or something I did that is probably embarrassing but gives an insight to how I write.

I’ll let you know how I’m doing with my writing – where I’m at concerning my goals. I’ll incorporate SOMETHING that has to do with my writing. I just won’t get all “writer who talks about every uber idiosyncrasy of writing” on you. 😉

 

DSC_0001

 

My February goals:

1. Get halfway through writing draft #4.

2. Get back into the swing of blogging once a week. Get excited about it again.

3. Read a book I enjoy every day.

You can find my monthly goals HERE, along with everyone else’s goals for this month that is partaking in #amwriting.

 

I have now been writing draft #4 for 11 days. Its so awesome to be at the actual writing stage. Not that I don’t enjoy the species, world, setting, character building and plotting. I just crave to write. It’s who I am.

😀

 

Do you sabotage yourself? Why? How do you fix yourself when you realize you’ve done it again?

Anyone else forget to not listen to society’s opinions to the point of destroying their sense of self?

Anyone else join #amwriting this month?

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16 Comments

Filed under Stream of Consciousness

16 responses to “I Sabotage Myself

  1. Pingback: Connect the Crazy | DaphneShadows

  2. You don’t even *want* to know where I’ve been over the last 6 months. It wasn’t pretty. In fact, it was really, really dark. And yes, I sabotage myself too. I’m trying to get back out into the light and start on my book again. It’s a real struggle lately. I’m writing, just not creatively. But Hopefully, I can get back to it very, VERY soon! I’ve written a post for #WriteMotivation which will go up soon about doing just that.
    *hugs*

  3. Hey, Daphne… I just want to say, you are not alone. I don’t know if you have kids, but I do… and I wrap so much time in my day into doing what they need, being who my husband needs, who my day job needs me to be… I also forget myself and putting my life, my wants first. In some sick twist, I find the breaking point is usually what gives me the most creativity and energy to propel myself forward. I wish you all the best luck with February’s #writemotivation goals and if you ever want to chat, I’m always around. I could use some creative like-minded peeps to talk to. Maybe you could, too. 😉

    • No, I don’t have kids but I do the exact same thing with my siblings and single mother. Its crazy how focused we can get on everyone else, while ignoring ourselves. Even though we know we shouldn’t.
      Thank you and the best of luck to you too! And don’t forget the ‘you’ in there. ;D

  4. I’ve done some thing with my writing that make me wonder if I’m trying to make myself fail. I get emotional and then do something rash that I can’t undo. Then once I’m calm, I wonder what I was thinking.

    Good luck with your #writemotivation goals. I’m cheering you on.

  5. Thanks for this great post. The rest of the world tells us that we should place practical pursuits higher than creative endeavors. But for so many of us, creating and being cross-pollinated by the works of others is what helps us stay emotionally healthy. I spent years telling myself I couldn’t seriously pursue writing because it wasn’t what paid the bills (I’m hoping that will change as I delve more into freelancing and pursuing publishing). Those years seem so uneventful as I look back. Now I know that as long as I keep writing and connecting with my fellow writers, I’m happier, and am actually more productive in the rest of my life as well. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of shutting down. Part of my decision to also join #WriteMotivation is to stay focused on regular writing and to connect with other writers more. Just a week in, and it’s already improving my mood and productivity vastly! I’m trying to keep my focus on having FUN while writing, not looking at it as work, even if revision is a huge undertaking. Looking forward to seeing your progress this month and in the future! 🙂

    • I LOVE your comment. I agree completely. I’m glad you said this because I’ve never really thought of it in that light – how looking at the past when I didn’t write made me feel and what I remember (and in what light). But it makes so much more sense now that you’ve mentioned it.
      Thanks! 😀

  6. Well, here’s to conquering that inner saboteur, and achieving your goals for February. Good luck! 🙂

  7. I’ve put a quote below from this post:
    “I start writing because it’s something I have to do. Not because it’s something I want to do”
    Daphne, this quote reminds me so much of me. I used to get very frustrated until I actually started writing for myself instead of thinking I should be writing what (I thought) other people wanted to read. It’s very liberating to just ‘write’ without a care of planning or researching the market or worrying about the fact that other people won’t like what you write. Just like that song goes “You can’t please everyone so you’ve got to please yourself”.
    Some of the things I have written are so bizarre that they’ll never see the light of day. Having said that, the first bizarre short story I wrote won a Harper Collins writing award. Most people who read that story give me a kind of stunned look, but obviously the publishers loved it for some weird reason. When I write now I never think of an audience – I just write to satisfy that urge in me (like you said in your quote) – don’t push yourself into mainstream or feel like you need regiment and control your writing because it will just become a chore and you may lose that urge (which is the basis of true talent).

    End of lecture 😉

    • The two opinions on this subject are so opposing. 1 – you NEED to, MUST know your audience and what they want. 2 – you need to write for yourself before you can make it a story others will want to read.
      Obviously you need to know what genre you’re writing in, but that’s as far as I take it. I think its totally cool that you started writing for yourself. It makes us so much more unique when we write first and research that part of it second. ;D

  8. Like you, I constantly have to remind myself to refill the creative well with books and art and movies. Because otherwise I won’t make time for it, and end up wondering why I have no inspiration.

  9. Pingback: Blog Chain Posts: The Revived | Lit and Scribbles with Jae

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