Know Thyself

Introspection is a word one might not hear that often.

It means; “to inspect one’s own thoughts and feelings”.

I’ve had a lot of time to think recently.

 

Before we moved here, into what I’ve affectionately dubbed ‘hotel hell’, due to changing and freeing circumstances, I had begun to figure myself out. Little bit by little bit.

But until I was marooned in this place I call my own personal hell (for a good reason), I hadn’t felt such a clean slate. Such a difference. Such a change.

And I realized, I didn’t even know how much I didn’t even know about myself.

But I also realized that I know more already than I thought I did. I just hadn’t figured out that I knew it.

 

(Boy am I working on not confusing you guys right now. 😉 )

 

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Some things I’ve always known about myself. Someone recently told me that the conviction I have is not something most people have, in some of the areas I do. That they didn’t have that for themselves and had to figure those things out by trial and error, all on their own, for years before coming to a conclusion and forming their own conviction in their belief.

I like that word; conviction. And what this person told me is true. I’m not bragging, or saying I’m amazing. Really I’m not. I’m a humble person and I’ve never been too big on going beyond confident. As it is said, “arrogance holds the seeds of its own undoing”. I’m a firm believer in that.

I’m simply stating a fact. I have strong convictions burning inside me, always have. They’ve been cemented in the middle of me, waiting for me to realize the path to ‘knowing myself’ already had a “begin here” sign. Waiting for me to see it.

Those convictions are now things I know about myself. They are the buds that branch off but always remain sturdy and absolute in the core of my being. Making me who I am. Forming my decisions whether I realize it or not.

They have always been there, always been absolute. I had spent so much time on burying who I was to keep others safe, yes. But subconsciously, I hid those bits and pieces of myself I never wanted to let go of or forget, in certain buds of never moving convictions. Then I buried them further, hiding them in such a way that I didn’t know there was anything hidden.

 

Do you ever know something or feel something, but don’t really know you know that something until someone bluntly tells you that something to your face, pointing it out to you? Confusing, I know, but if it makes sense, you know what I mean.

That’s where I hid my convictions. In plain sight they remained hidden. And everyone knows: out of sight, out of mind.

I think I actually mind ninja-ed myself! 😉

 

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But it took me being in my own personal hell, left alone to stare at the inner walls of my mind and wonder why I never stormed the castle and took down all the walls, to really begin to know myself.

There are many things I’m still working on. Things I’m still trying to figure out. Like Anita Blake, the protagonist from a series I read, I poke at things. Being me, I can’t let them go. I have to understand them.

Why live and not learn?

 

So while I agree that a busy mind is a healthy mind, I also believe that everything is good in moderation. Yes, be healthily busy. But stop for some introspection. See what you see. The path to knowing one’s self isn’t easy. Guess it’s helpful that I’m stubborn, huh?

 

My advice, is to find your convictions, your beliefs, your opinions, and start there. Figuring yourself out is weird, messy, and can be hurtful for you and for others. But it’s worth it.

I’d take the hard, messy, painful truth over a lie any day. No matter how beautiful that lie or half truth is…it-is-not-real.

 

Have you ever forced yourself to take a look at yourself, no holds barred, no lies to hide your own truths? Do you know yourself?

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14 Comments

Filed under Stream of Consciousness

14 responses to “Know Thyself

  1. Pingback: Self Preservation | Ellice Campbell

  2. Yes Daphne, I have been forced to look at myself warts and all. Some things I didn’t like because they distanced me from others; so I changed them to fit in better with other people. The when I was older I found those were the things that made me who I am “My convictions” my inner truths. It was changing these things that stopped me from following my dream to become a writer. The only thing I regret about writing is that I didn’t start sooner, believe in myself more.
    The things you talk about you say you knew when someone else told you are inside you all along. That is why you recognize them without evidence you know they are true because they are your inner truths an that is how your heart and soul talk to you.
    I have learnt in life, that it is better early on that you decide what is important to you. The things you will not sacrifice for others.Everyone has a gift yours is writing, don’t let anyone stop you from following your dream. Listen to advice, take it on board if it is good but never sell your soul for popularity. Be who you were meant to be and were the badge of your own talent with pride.
    You are an inspiring young woman Daphne and I believe you will achieve great things. Take care, speak soon.

    • Thank you Athena! I’m glad you decided to start writing again. I couldn’t say it any better. 😉 There was a point where I could see the fork in the road – change or stay the same me. And I could see the basic consequences. Guess I always knew I’d be the odd individual I am today.

  3. Anonymous

    In your world that has been turned upside down, from being in a home with all its amenities, like your own room, a bathroom inside, a big living room to flake out in. Now to live in what you describe as “Hotel Hell” has got to be so depressing. But this last post shows how strong you are, your philosophical outlook is fantastic. Stay strong, do not let those 4 walls close in on you. I cannot believe your step father left you guys in such a disastrous mess, I have been divorced, but always left my family living in the same condition as they were before. I guess some men just have no feelings for anyone but themselves. I love your posts, look forward to the many more to come, Stay on your book, all of us that follow you are anxiously awaiting to read it, Love you sweet one.

  4. Admitting to who we are, really admitting, not leaving out the bad bits in the editing, is so difficult. I thought I knew a few years ago but I had turned a blind eye to all the miserable bits and they came floating to the surface again. It’s a progression. I like who you are.

  5. Beautiful post, Daphne. I’ve have to look at myself so many times in my life that I’m pretty damn sure I know who I am I hope) ;). Well done, my friend 😀

  6. Jae

    Wow! This is a great post Daphne. You’re traversing your own personal gauntlet of life right now and coming out strongly as victor. If you can get things figured out in your difficult situation, there’s nothing you can’t face in life. You’re amazing, seriously. 🙂

  7. I think many people know, deep down, who they really are. The real question is will they admit to those things–the good, the bad, and the ugly? We are all made up of different experiences, emotions, and beliefs. We each grow and change in our own ways. Some of us choose not to see certain parts of ourselves for various reasons. It’s easier that way, safer. But the world, and life, isn’t always safe and shielding ourselves from pain, and learning how to deal with certain emotions will ultimately be our downfall. Life will not always be a bed of roses. That doesn’t mean we should wear a mask of happiness and pretend everything is okay. It also doesn’t mean we should curl up in a ball and shut the world out, afraid of being hurt. We must live, and in order to be who we truly are, experience and grow as human beings. We can’t live for others just as others can’t live for us. We can only be ourselves–beautifully flawed, and unique in our own way. The way we were meant to be.

    Great post, even if I had to read it three times due to being mind ninja-ed! 😉 You have a beautiful soul, Daphne. I hope it continues to shine as brightly tomorrow as it does today.

    “Nobody can bring you peace but yourself.”–Ralph Waldo Emerson

    • Thank you very much Brian. You rock! Have I mentioned that? I agree with everything you said. Only, I’ve never come close to being so eloquent. You can count on me quoting this someday. It’s difficult for me to put things like this into words, so I’m glad they meant something real to you.

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