The Fall

Do I make any sense or do I just go on and on? I change my mind a lot. No, I believe I change a lot. It’s not just my mind making the decisions here, not only my eyes see. I’m thinking my heart has much more to do with it as of late than I realized. Maybe not so lately. Perhaps I’ve always been this way. Purview chance and taking into account all the madness shuffling about inside – and I can take all of these interruptions. Breaking into what I think is going well, stranding the sameness in a dropout as the bottom falls out and I realize, slowly, strained, that nothing was what I thought.


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Arrogance frightens me. Not the arrogance of others. The idea that one day I could become arrogant. What horrid atrocities would that wreak in my life? Which disgusting tributes to pride would I commit? I don’t want to know.



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Lotus Love


I wish my life was as peaceful as this lotus flower makes me feel.

This lotus flower knows what’s up.
The gal that took this photo (source found here) knows how to capture bliss, serenity, peace.

And screw finding this peace in my life.
I wish I had the peace inside myself that this lotus flower makes me feel.
It starts inside and oozes out of you, into your life.

What makes you feel peaceful?
Jeeze – what makes me feel peaceful?


“I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself, did I know who I really was.”
– Sade Andria Zabala

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Rain to Tears

Something a man said today.

A little story, if you will.


He was driving toward a meeting I attend and noticed that the rain water looked ready to spill over.

Immediately, an immense sadness filled him.

The rain turned to tears in his mind.

This rain, it must spill and soak the earth to bring new change, to grow something wonderful.

Our tears must fall.

We use them to water our lives, to spill this pain, so something magnificent can grow from it.


We cannot grow until we allow ourselves to feel the pain, the sadness, we sometimes feel.

It can change into something poignant, and from there, beauty.


  • December 10, 2016



Every life is a collection of stories.

This story feels like it became mine, even as it was his.

We absorb and collaborate, with only the mere telling or hearing of a story. We bind them to our souls and feed them for others to hear, to learn from, to become.




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Randomly, In Quotes

“A book is a version of the world. If you do not like it, ignore it; or offer your own version in return.”

  • Salman Rushdie


This quote uber backs up my previous blog post! Preach it, dude that I don’t know!



“Too many people are thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, when they ought to just water the grass they are standing on.”

  • Amar Dave


This is what I’m working on right now. Working with what I’ve got. You see, I keep telling myself if I can reach all these goals that are outside of myself, I’ll find happiness. I’ll feel worthy, good enough, valuable, lovable, etc.

The thing is, internal goals are what I need to be working on. Working with what I’ve got. If I don’t change me, nothing outside of me will change.




“Whatever you’re meant to do, do it now. The conditions are always impossible.”

  • Doris Lessing


That’s an amazingly focusing quote.

I watched a movie a few weeks ago that somehow made me think of this quote. Movie has nothing to do about anything pertaining to this quote. Or perhaps it does. I don’t know.

What clicked for me was the atmosphere of the movie. The feeling permeating the entire movie.

It was hopeful. Amidst turmoil, madness, unbelievable odds (aren’t we always against unbelievable odds?), and only one other person who believed like the main character did – it was hopeful.

Which connected to this quote, for me.

It’s a real roundabout way of seeing things but that’s typically how my heart smacks my brain in the face finally getting it to see, finally getting me to feel.

So – hope.

Don’t wait.

Work now, for what I want. Find a way to enjoy life. NOW. Find a way to work on improving my life, now. Find a way to be who I am, and consequently bring to the world what only I can, now.

No matter the circumstances. No matter the turmoil, the madness, or unbelievable odds. No matter the amount of people who don’t believe it’s possible.

Find a way to believe. Find hope within yourself. Find others who believe along with you.

Live your life now. Don’t wait.





“Determination is doing the task when you have no motivation to do it or energy to give it.”

  • Monica Wilcox


This is me right now.

I don’t even have the energy to comment on it.



“You’ll never change your life until you change something you do daily. The secret of your success is found in your daily routine.”

  • John C. Maxwell



*falls over*


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Fandom Control of Stories

I really get tired of fandoms thinking they have the right to decide for the author what should happen next.

Fans becoming outraged because the author didn’t make the changes or endings or next books the ways in which they wanted them.

I’m seeing that with a lot of fandoms lately. Fandoms I’m a part of. Fandoms I’m not. Fandoms I couldn’t care less about either way.

There’s a book series I love which I wish would go back to a certain way it was. But I respect that the author has the right to do what he/she wants with their stories. I can either like it or not. That’s how it works. I do not, however, have the right to tell this person that they need to make so-and-so changes, and expect this author to do so.

It’s not my story. I’m just along for the ride. If this story suits me and my life, awesome. If not, there are other stories out there for me.

Okay – so I suppose it is my story also. It becomes mine once I digest it.

But that’s just it. I can make out of it what I need. And I can stop reading at any time I choose.

In fact, three series I used to LOVE, I have done just that with. I didn’t like where the focus was going. The women characters got real weak. Became real submissive, typical. They put up with stuff I’d never put up with. So I stopped reading them.

I still love the prior books in these series. Its fiction. I can pretend the other books don’t exist.




It’s as if people are becoming more and more angered by the fact that they feel out of control of how reality is going – that they’re taking it out on the fandoms they claim to love.

Shifting their anger to their fandom – wringing their hands over how they can’t control their favorite characters or worlds.

As if, since they cannot get the real world to change, then they need their fictional worlds to give them what they want.

As readers, we’re not making orders. We’re finding art we click with and hoping that as it changes (since everything changes) that we’ll change in the same directions or vice versa. If not, oh well. That is life. People change. Stories change. Everything changes. And if you don’t like how something is changing, that’s called growing apart. Not – hey, I don’t like how you’re changing, let me grab you in a vice grip and try to force you into something I want.


But an author is not here to change their world to suit the wants of popular opinion or the needs of a shifting belief.

To an extent, authors are here to give people what they need.


But an author can only give the stories they have inside them.

We cannot shift who we are to meet what fans suddenly want to see in their favorite books.


On some levels, authors change with the times. When it comes to the important things. Or they die out, keeping to an old way of thinking and probably not a very humane one any longer.

But that is an all-encompassing change of outlook on life.

Something that changes in the author.

It is not certain characters getting together, turning out different than prior seen. It does not mean that things left open to interpretation need to be zoomed in on or revisited and defined to suit the readers’ wants.


What readers want is to change their real world.

Punishing the authors they read for this?

Not cool.


No one can bully someone into changing the stories they have inside themselves.

Perhaps there is another author out there with the stories you want to read.

Find them.

Don’t try to change who someone is because you’re angry with how the real world is treating you.

It takes all kinds to make the world go round.


Besides, a bully is a bully is a bully.

If you’re bullying your favorite author to change the way he/she writes or to change an outcome or open ending – you’re a bully.

Even if you’re bullying for what you believe are the right reasons – you’re a bully.

I’m pretty sure that whatever wrongs you’re suffering from (which I’m not trying belittle in any way) come from a bully of some sort.

Don’t take your anger out by turning on someone and bullying them.




I mean, can’t we all just get along? I like what I like. You like what you like. We find things we like and stick with them. And when we decide we don’t like them anymore, we find new things we like.

For example: Sure, I was angry when I heard they were going to make Captain America a Nazi or something. That is something to get angry about. That’s character and world building betrayal. That is making the entire story pointless. That is trying to get a rise out of people and score crazy ratings. It’s change for the sake of change, without me reading into anything or actually looking up if its what’s going to happen or not or any of their reasoning. Doesn’t seem like it’s for the point of the story.

But art is subjective. What I love, will enrage twenty other people in the same vicinity.  What I don’t like, someone else might find intriguing.

And don’t ignore the fact that publishers do listen to fans. That still doesn’t mean you need to be nasty about it. Or to treat the authors of the world like you’re holding a gun to their heads and telling them what to write.

If you’re angry because characters change, story lines change, if you’re angry because the world changes – well, everything changes.


How do you feel when someone tries to change you to suit their needs?

Doesn’t feel good, does it?

Don’t do that to writers. We’re people too. Sometimes we really have no control over the madness swirling around inside us.

We have stories to tell.

We can’t even change which ones.

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What Must is What Will Come

I have a lot to be thankful for.

I find that my conditioned way of seeing the world, my situations, others, and myself, is thusly:

I focus on the fear.

It’s said that everything stems from either fear or love.

This brings to mind the Chinese character for crisis. Coincidentally, I searched my blog to see if I’d spoken on it before, and what do ya know? I have. Three years ago, on Thanksgiving.

I love what this time of year does for me.

I examine myself. I remember myself.


Chinese character for crisis is written with two different characters. Danger and Opportunity.

The way I see life: the danger. I don’t see the opportunity. I don’t feel love, I feel fear. (I don’t mean I don’t feel love, I mean I don’t default to a place of love; serenity and peace. I default to fear; panic and misery, apprehension and doubts.)

Why I do this is no longer my main focus. I’ve picked my past apart and consistently try to see it for what it is. I’ve let go of a lot of resentment. I’m still trying to let go of the bitter cage clamped tight around my rib cage.

But I’m aware it’s there and I’m working on it. That’s the whole point. I can’t undo damage done. Even if it wasn’t my fault, the damage now belongs to me and is my responsibility to work with.




More and more, I’ve been pointing out to myself the love, the opportunity.

But I find the more I work on adopting healthy outlooks and beliefs and faith – the tighter the old me clamps down on my lungs and the more misery life digs up.

So this Thanksgiving, while I struggle with anxiety, panic attacks, and a strange, subtle, and pervasive depression – I want to focus on the love. The opportunity crisis provides me. The things I’m thankful for, of which there are many.

I want to celebrate my success.

Because in some moments, I’m beginning to realize that my changing is a constant success. I may not feel it completely yet, but awareness and hope come before acceptance.


“There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.”

~ Richard Bach


This Thanksgiving, instead of feeling miserable and self-disgusted because I haven’t reached perfection – I want to focus on picking through my life in a different manner.

I want to find all the positive changes I’ve gone through and lived through and brought to life.

I want to search for all my gratitude and find reasons to be grateful for myself as well as my life outside of myself.

This Thanksgiving, I want to smile because I’ve gained, through a lot of hard work, hope that I can lean on, instead of falling back into fear.


I’ve gained a second job. One I like as opposed to my first job, which just wasn’t for me.

I have an amazing, understanding boss.

My family. Look at the misery we’ve survived and continue to live through. Look at our hidden strength, which I think we often times take for granted. We’re stronger than we realize. Even though right now we mainly feel hurt.

I have new friends. Souls who understand and accept me. We understand our shared struggles, even as we live separate lives.

I finished Blair’s first novel after two years of not writing. I sent out to critique partners. I’m not afraid. What must, is what will come of it.

And can I back up here? I started writing again. My passion and identity as a writer newfound and settled into my bones, my skin, the rushing of blood through my veins. I’ve made writing a priority. Because I’ve become aware of how vital, how important it is to who I am.

I have learned I have the right to say no. I haven’t quite acquired the courage in most cases, but I’m working on that.

I’ve learned that I can say yes when its truth, even if it might hurt a little at first.

I’ve learned that I exist and I have every right to exist. I don’t need to seek validation for my desire, my urge to live a life I can identity as my own.

And mistakes? I can learn from those. I do. It hurts, but I learn. Mainly, I’m learning that everyone makes them and I don’t need to make myself out to be a devil when all I did was forget that I can’t fix others.


My health has gotten worse and I’m just plain confused with my life.

But this pain has taught me something, is still teaching me something.

Just take it one day at a time – one hour at a time if need be, one minute at a time – breathe, and focus on hope.

Maybe my health is also improving. I feel better.

Thanksgiving is such a great reminder.

Even if I forget to remember these new healthy beliefs and behaviors, they’re still here, slowly embedding into my psyche and soul.

There is so much beauty in the world.

And what I focus on, is what I magnify in my day-to-day life.



This Thanksgiving, I challenge you to dig up all the dirt, all the memories, all the tears and smiles and indifference, spread it out, and peer through it. Find what you’re grateful for.

I’m going to attempt the very same.




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