“What’s your worst fear?” He asked.
I answered immediately.
I realized this later.
Didn’t skip a beat.
Didn’t have to think about it.
It wasn’t forced, it was honest.
I am my own worst enemy.
I knew this already, in the back of my mind. My subconscious always knew.
And, in the front of my mind, where I’m aware, now that I think about it…
I tie myself in knots over emotion.
I don’t know what I feel, I don’t know how to get to what I feel when I do know what I feel, and I don’t know what to do with what I feel.
I read an article yesterday.
It’s a great article. Even if you’re not suicidal, even if you don’t even have depression — its a great eye opener. The stigma of depression, suicide, and anxiety is made up of untruths, half-truths, and ignorance. This gal goes all in, committing to be honest to her readers.
I’d like to do the same.
Lying has never served me.
I’ve always had the urge to be honest. Vulnerable. Ironically, vulnerability isn’t my thing. I war with myself, in case you haven’t noticed.
Depression isn’t my fault. It wasn’t my choice. I didn’t ask for depression, didn’t sign up, didn’t decide, ‘oh yeah, sure, no problem, I’ll work with this’.
Depression isn’t who I am.
It’s only part of who I am. Also — however I deal with depression, with all my struggles, that’s also who I am.
The gal in the above article put into words my exact thoughts.
If there was a lever I could pull, one where no one would get hurt, and I would die in a painless, instant way — some days, I would pull this lever.
Today I’m doing pretty good.
Okay, that’s a lie. But I’m not ready to pull that lever.
And pulling that lever — that’s not me. That’s the parasite living inside me, drugging me with this disgusting, confusing, and numbing paralytic.
Sure, I learn through dark and painful stories, but I’m stubborn and I always try, sometimes even to my determent. I’m optimistic and goofy as well as dark.
I fight depression. Giving into struggles isn’t my thing. Stubborn, and all that.
So I suppose I’m my worst fear because I don’t know how to define myself, how to reach myself, how to be all of myself.
But hey – at least I’m aware.
Awareness, Acceptance, Action
That’s a good start.
What’s your greatest fear? Worst enemy?