Do I make any sense or do I just go on and on? I change my mind a lot. No, I believe I change a lot. It’s not just my mind making the decisions here, not only my eyes see. I’m thinking my heart has much more to do with it as of late than I realized. Maybe not so lately. Perhaps I’ve always been this way. Purview chance and taking into account all the madness shuffling about inside – and I can take all of these interruptions. Breaking into what I think is going well, stranding the sameness in a dropout as the bottom falls out and I realize, slowly, strained, that nothing was what I thought.
I wish my life was as peaceful as this lotus flower makes me feel.
This lotus flower knows what’s up.
The gal that took this photo (source found here) knows how to capture bliss, serenity, peace.
And screw finding this peace in my life.
I wish I had the peace inside myself that this lotus flower makes me feel.
It starts inside and oozes out of you, into your life.
What makes you feel peaceful?
Jeeze – what makes me feel peaceful?
“I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself, did I know who I really was.”
– Sade Andria Zabala
Something a man said today.
A little story, if you will.
He was driving toward a meeting I attend and noticed that the rain water looked ready to spill over.
Immediately, an immense sadness filled him.
The rain turned to tears in his mind.
This rain, it must spill and soak the earth to bring new change, to grow something wonderful.
Our tears must fall.
We use them to water our lives, to spill this pain, so something magnificent can grow from it.
We cannot grow until we allow ourselves to feel the pain, the sadness, we sometimes feel.
It can change into something poignant, and from there, beauty.
- December 10, 2016
Every life is a collection of stories.
This story feels like it became mine, even as it was his.
We absorb and collaborate, with only the mere telling or hearing of a story. We bind them to our souls and feed them for others to hear, to learn from, to become.
“A book is a version of the world. If you do not like it, ignore it; or offer your own version in return.”
- Salman Rushdie
This quote uber backs up my previous blog post! Preach it, dude that I don’t know!
“Too many people are thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, when they ought to just water the grass they are standing on.”
- Amar Dave
This is what I’m working on right now. Working with what I’ve got. You see, I keep telling myself if I can reach all these goals that are outside of myself, I’ll find happiness. I’ll feel worthy, good enough, valuable, lovable, etc.
The thing is, internal goals are what I need to be working on. Working with what I’ve got. If I don’t change me, nothing outside of me will change.
“Whatever you’re meant to do, do it now. The conditions are always impossible.”
- Doris Lessing
That’s an amazingly focusing quote.
I watched a movie a few weeks ago that somehow made me think of this quote. Movie has nothing to do about anything pertaining to this quote. Or perhaps it does. I don’t know.
What clicked for me was the atmosphere of the movie. The feeling permeating the entire movie.
It was hopeful. Amidst turmoil, madness, unbelievable odds (aren’t we always against unbelievable odds?), and only one other person who believed like the main character did – it was hopeful.
Which connected to this quote, for me.
It’s a real roundabout way of seeing things but that’s typically how my heart smacks my brain in the face finally getting it to see, finally getting me to feel.
So – hope.
Work now, for what I want. Find a way to enjoy life. NOW. Find a way to work on improving my life, now. Find a way to be who I am, and consequently bring to the world what only I can, now.
No matter the circumstances. No matter the turmoil, the madness, or unbelievable odds. No matter the amount of people who don’t believe it’s possible.
Find a way to believe. Find hope within yourself. Find others who believe along with you.
Live your life now. Don’t wait.
“Determination is doing the task when you have no motivation to do it or energy to give it.”
- Monica Wilcox
This is me right now.
I don’t even have the energy to comment on it.
“You’ll never change your life until you change something you do daily. The secret of your success is found in your daily routine.”
- John C. Maxwell
I have a lot to be thankful for.
I find that my conditioned way of seeing the world, my situations, others, and myself, is thusly:
I focus on the fear.
It’s said that everything stems from either fear or love.
This brings to mind the Chinese character for crisis. Coincidentally, I searched my blog to see if I’d spoken on it before, and what do ya know? I have. Three years ago, on Thanksgiving.
I love what this time of year does for me.
I examine myself. I remember myself.
Chinese character for crisis is written with two different characters. Danger and Opportunity.
The way I see life: the danger. I don’t see the opportunity. I don’t feel love, I feel fear. (I don’t mean I don’t feel love, I mean I don’t default to a place of love; serenity and peace. I default to fear; panic and misery, apprehension and doubts.)
Why I do this is no longer my main focus. I’ve picked my past apart and consistently try to see it for what it is. I’ve let go of a lot of resentment. I’m still trying to let go of the bitter cage clamped tight around my rib cage.
But I’m aware it’s there and I’m working on it. That’s the whole point. I can’t undo damage done. Even if it wasn’t my fault, the damage now belongs to me and is my responsibility to work with.
More and more, I’ve been pointing out to myself the love, the opportunity.
But I find the more I work on adopting healthy outlooks and beliefs and faith – the tighter the old me clamps down on my lungs and the more misery life digs up.
So this Thanksgiving, while I struggle with anxiety, panic attacks, and a strange, subtle, and pervasive depression – I want to focus on the love. The opportunity crisis provides me. The things I’m thankful for, of which there are many.
I want to celebrate my success.
Because in some moments, I’m beginning to realize that my changing is a constant success. I may not feel it completely yet, but awareness and hope come before acceptance.
“There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.”
~ Richard Bach
This Thanksgiving, instead of feeling miserable and self-disgusted because I haven’t reached perfection – I want to focus on picking through my life in a different manner.
I want to find all the positive changes I’ve gone through and lived through and brought to life.
I want to search for all my gratitude and find reasons to be grateful for myself as well as my life outside of myself.
This Thanksgiving, I want to smile because I’ve gained, through a lot of hard work, hope that I can lean on, instead of falling back into fear.
I’ve gained a second job. One I like as opposed to my first job, which just wasn’t for me.
I have an amazing, understanding boss.
My family. Look at the misery we’ve survived and continue to live through. Look at our hidden strength, which I think we often times take for granted. We’re stronger than we realize. Even though right now we mainly feel hurt.
I have new friends. Souls who understand and accept me. We understand our shared struggles, even as we live separate lives.
I finished Blair’s first novel after two years of not writing. I sent out to critique partners. I’m not afraid. What must, is what will come of it.
And can I back up here? I started writing again. My passion and identity as a writer newfound and settled into my bones, my skin, the rushing of blood through my veins. I’ve made writing a priority. Because I’ve become aware of how vital, how important it is to who I am.
I have learned I have the right to say no. I haven’t quite acquired the courage in most cases, but I’m working on that.
I’ve learned that I can say yes when its truth, even if it might hurt a little at first.
I’ve learned that I exist and I have every right to exist. I don’t need to seek validation for my desire, my urge to live a life I can identity as my own.
And mistakes? I can learn from those. I do. It hurts, but I learn. Mainly, I’m learning that everyone makes them and I don’t need to make myself out to be a devil when all I did was forget that I can’t fix others.
My health has gotten worse and I’m just plain confused with my life.
But this pain has taught me something, is still teaching me something.
Just take it one day at a time – one hour at a time if need be, one minute at a time – breathe, and focus on hope.
Maybe my health is also improving. I feel better.
Thanksgiving is such a great reminder.
Even if I forget to remember these new healthy beliefs and behaviors, they’re still here, slowly embedding into my psyche and soul.
There is so much beauty in the world.
And what I focus on, is what I magnify in my day-to-day life.
This Thanksgiving, I challenge you to dig up all the dirt, all the memories, all the tears and smiles and indifference, spread it out, and peer through it. Find what you’re grateful for.
I’m going to attempt the very same.