If Only


It’s beautiful how the truth can be, isn’t it.

Pretty ugly too.

I think it’s the duality, the beauty it creates.

Depending on the paintbrush.

Depending on the canvas.

On the ‘why’.


Even as the tear drops drip,

And lips pout red,

Something grows inside,

As truth is fed.


It’s really quite simple.

But that doesn’t make it easy.

It’s really not that hard…

Once you’ve learned how to see.


I’m actually quite balanced, in reality.

It’s only once I hide the darker sides of me.

Space constricts, the soul burns.

And it turns out, it must hurt before it learns.


The rest takes over.

It amplifies don’t you see.

It stretches, laughs into the void.

As it rises, grows overtop all of me.


But the truth can’t hate it.

Not even as I drown.

Truth can only be.

Truth can only burn.


The darkness is salvageable even as is hides.

A shadow can’t survive, can’t breathe.

Not without the light in the dark.

And so I’m lost.

Swimming in absolutes and falsities.


If only I’d learn to listen.

If only I’d gather myself whole.


I’m not completely barren,

I’m not left to rot.


But the truth can’t speak.

It can only burn.


If only, if only

If only, I’d learn.


by Daphne Shadows



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Filed under Lyrical Writings

Why a Writer? Daphne through the Shadows


My friend recently asked me how I decided to become a writer.

I’ve had different answers for that at different times. All of which are true, still.


The first thing I thought of was this post, which I wrote two years ago:

Why I Write




It amazes me how much I’ve changed. That post was messy in so many ways. But the basis of the post – those three reasons – hold true. So if you want the answer (or for this post to make sense), go read it. Don’t worry, its short. And if you want to scroll down and just read the three reasons, that’s all you need.

But there’s more to it than that. It’s deeper. Even messier – just, in a different way. More complicated.

If there’s one thing therapy is showing me, it’s how I’ve hidden myself… from myself. It’s kind of like waking up. I’m finding out more about myself moment to moment.

One of the things I’ve learned is how I belittle and cheapen myself to keep truth from feeling so real. I laughed and used humor and made sure nothing really reached my heart – or anyone else’s.

Causes me to come off as air-headed and clueless. Basically, superficial and naive.

It’s a misrepresentation of who I am. For one, I’m a lot darker than I let on. Yes, I’m also the opposite – I watch Scooby-Doo reruns and get giddy over donuts. ;)

I’m happy but I struggle with depression. No one exists in singularity.

My tendency to gloss things over is fake. Happiness and strangeness is not. So that part’s not been fake, I assure you. I just don’t show the darkness or ugliness.

And let’s get something straight. Darkness and depression are two different things. I suppose I’ve been hiding both.

Darkness is balanced by light, and when I stop trying to suppress a certain part of myself, I remember that.

It’s strange to be around so many people and to feel unknown. Stranger yet to feel unknown by myself.

But I’m working on it. I’m finding the more I find, the more joy creeps into my life. Being whole tends to do that.

Any who – back to the question.




How did I decide to be a writer?

I don’t really have a precise answer. I remember being upset and watching the roof of the car, the stars of the early morning sky, and curling up on my side, wishing I was somewhere else. I’d detach and *poof* I’d imagine the most ridiculously amazing things. I was always in my head, somewhere existing beyond reason and rules.

I painted reality with my own overlay of life and vibrancy, beauty and thrills.

I grew up this way. I got upset, felt uncomfortable, got bored, wanted more – I went somewhere else in my head. As a result, I don’t ever remember actually being bored.

I think it simply grew within me as I grew. I remember wanting to be a writer in kindergarten. I don’t really remember much before then at all, except for times I’d imagine myself away.

So it makes the most sense to me, for me to say, I decided to become a writer before I even knew I’d decided. I was really young. That’s all I know. There wasn’t a precise day where I said, “I want to be a writer” and the decision was made and my life was forever changed. No one person or situation inspired me. Nothing suddenly triggered it.

Instead, it just always was. I don’t think I ever really stopped and went, ‘huh, I want to be a writer’.

I just knew I did and I wrote.



When did you become aware of who you were and what you wanted to become?

Do you hide parts of who you are from yourself or others?




Filed under Personal/Opinion

No Clarity, Only Random

It’s one of those days.

One of those weeks.

One of those months.

One of those years.

So instead of having the clarity to focus and organize a blog post into something readable that doesn’t sound like a non-sensical unicorn on crank wrote it…

I’m just going to give up and throw a bunch of garbled, random thoughts together and hope they form some kind of linear… something.




“The thing about truth is that it exists beyond belief. It is true even if nobody believes it.” Dieter F. Uchdorf

Denial is a disease I don’t want part in anymore. It’s crippling. It’s debilitating. It slips into your skin, digs in deep, wrapping around your heart and brain, and squeezes your bones. It leaves nothing for you but misery and confusion, fear and pain.

Truth, on the other hand, is a good pain. A welcome, healthy pain. It only hurts while it’s exercising the disease sinking into your marrow.

And even if those around you mock, shake their heads, don’t understand, try to keep hurting you – you can hold tight to the knowledge that no matter what, there is something better for you ahead. Just keep being honest with yourself. Because honestly, who do you help by allowing others to pull the wool over your eyes? No one. Who do you hurt? Yourself. Only you. You’re trying to please all these people or run from all these things or tell yourself you’re ‘oh, so amazing’, and it’s not doing a thing for anyone else, except spreading more denial into their veins. And it’s not helping you, it’s not elevating you, it’s not helping you stop the tears at night or the pit of misery in your gut. Nope. It’s just sinking you lower and lower, and putting restrictions on you  – telling you – “hey, you’re happy, you like this, smile!”

I like this truth thing. It kinda sucks at first. But once you get the hang of it, you start to see that maybe you shouldn’t hate yourself so much. And then you can start clearing the cobwebs of self-hate and denial away from your blood and start to look at the world with a new vision. One that comes complete with options, joy, and optimism.


“This business of being a writer is ultimately about asking yourself, how alive am I willing to be?” Anne Lamott

I love this quote. It’s a valid question for me to ask myself. How alive am I willing to be? You don’t have to be a writer to ask yourself this question. But for me, who I am is tied in with being a writer, and so it fits me like a second skin. Beautifully attached to my soul.

How alive am I willing to be? This quote does lots of things to me, inside my chest. I cannot really describe them in words. I’m not there yet in my life, I suppose. I’ve learned to put some things into words I couldn’t priorly (I don’t think that’s a word, but I’m a writer – I can make words up if I want to! Ha-ha!) articulate or really even understand about myself beforehand. But this one, not yet. It’s deep and dark and a question that bubbles up a lot of thoughts that are mainly in the form of emotions and color, wisps of shadows and standing on the edge of the cliff, staring down, teeter-tottering in the wind, feeling the adrenaline pound through my body as I leave my mind blank, daring myself to jump without thinking.

Freedom is a strange thing. You can only have it if you allow yourself to have it. You have to make that decision all on your own.




“Write what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open.” Natalie Goldberg

This is a quote from the book I’m reading right now, “Wild Mind” by Natalie Goldberg. I think I’ve always yearned to be split open. Not physically thank you very much, but metaphorically speaking. ;)

I believe that’s something we all want, secretly. To be exposed for who we truly are, all the gunk and ugliness, and incompleteness and strangeness shown to someone important, and all the good bits of us too, and to be understood. Accepted. Embraced.

It’s terrifying to think of splitting myself open and pouring my soul into a book. Letting myself be vulnerable, writing something I truly believe in and can be happy with when I see it on the shelf. Something that can touch someone like the books I’ve read have touched me (get your head out of the gutter!). I’ll never forget the first book series that really thrummed in my heart. Told me on some level, that it doesn’t matter how messed up I am, how many issues I have, if I see a therapist (because damn skippy, I see a therapist now), if I’m moody and strange and a little lot confused. I’m still lovable. I’m still worth something.

To imagine myself writing a book that raw and honest, leaves me cold and shaking. Okay not literally, but you know what I mean. Because in order to do that, I have to lay myself bare.  I have to be okay with who I am, have a pretty good idea of who I am, what I value, want, think, desire, need, feel, emote, etc. and open it all up and give it to whoever is willing to pick it up.


“A person is a fool to become a writer. His only compensation is absolute freedom. He has no master except his own soul, and that, I am sure, is why he does it.” Roald Dahl

Absolute freedom is only absolute freedom if you don’t allow these invisible chains to hold you down. So many of us wear them. The world tells us we are wrong, we aren’t enough, we aren’t acceptable the way we are. Those hateful voices strap us down to a creature we aren’t, and tell us we must pretend to be this thing, or no one will ever love us. We’ll be disgusting, disfigured, good for nothing, and shunned by society.

That’s simply not true.

If I am to be a good writer, a great writer, and help people, connect with people, and enjoy my writing – I must be my own master (minus the creator of the whole freaking universe, right?) and not allow those voices to strip my freedom from me.

I must be willing to be ridiculed and looked down at for doing the very thing we all crave. To be who I am. Fling caution to the wind. So what if I fail? At least I tried and had fun doing it! At least I learned something, grew, experienced, gained knowledge and most likely made friends along the way. At least I will have lived.

And freedom, it’s a feeling no one can describe in words. It has to be felt, inch my inch as you gain it. And its mesmerizing.

Does anyone else feel this way – it’s a shift I’m only feeling so very recently. But it’s as if I’m literally in bindings. And as I let the cares of the world fall from me and decide to be really free, it’s as if I feel actual weight lifting off my body, heaviness stripping away one slow strap at a time….. Anyone else get that?




“Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Unknown

Ugh. Forgiveness. SO BLOODY HARD!!! It’s like pulling a saber tooth tiger’s fang tooth with only your bare hands. Not a piece of cake (or an oreo, or a chocolate donut). It’s hard!

And it’s something you can’t understand fully until you’ve felt it yourself. Until you experience it, it doesn’t really make sense. Nor does the reasoning!

But trust me, forgiving someone doesn’t mean you approve of what they did. Nor does it mean you’re going to allow them to hurt you again. It simply means you acknowledge that they’re human, everyone makes mistakes, and while you may know that what they did was wrong, cruel, etc. – you are healthy enough to let it go. And move on. You’re not hurting them by being angry. You’re not making them feel bad. You’re hurting you. Resentments and growing bitter hurts you. It changes you into something pitiful to behold. And it doesn’t matter how mad you get at them. You cannot control them, force them to change, or see the error of their ways.

Let it go. Find a way to move on. Don’t let the past keep you from building the future you want. Learn to live and let live. You can learn to love people who make normal mistakes and see them as people too. This can improve relationships, it can improve you. Sometimes, all you can hope to achieve is to let go and move on from that person, as you know they’ll try doing it again.

But let go. Forgive. Just don’t forget the lesson.


“You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.” Robin Williams

I am given only a small amount of the spark that is my creativity, my genuine personality, my unique madness.

It’s my responsibility to guard it. Not to let the world tarnish it. Not to hate myself for it, but to love it. Learn to take it and grow within it. Let it spread into my fingertips and eyelashes. Build upon it.


“You must ask for what you really want. Don’t go back to sleep.” Rumi

Once you see it, it’s tempting to close your eyes again. Don’t do it.



What’s going on with you?

What issues are you fighting with?

What struggles are you battling?

What joy can you highlight in your day?

Have any chocolate donuts you’d like to share with me? :D



Donuts? Anyone? No – really – DONUTS!


Filed under Personal/Opinion

8 Ways Suffering is Helpful

Suffering is kinda helpful.

Okay, scratch that.

Suffering is EXTREMELY helpful.

I don’t mean, “someone kidnapped and tortured you” suffering (though I’m sure anyone who goes through that has the chance at gaining these things, albeit that way of learning is unneedful and horrible).

I’m talking about suffering. Everyone suffers. Horrible things happen. Loved ones die. Loved ones hurt you. Loved ones take ill. Vice versa. You’re given two horrid choices. You’re left without choices. You’re left without purpose or love. You could lose your house. You could lose your limbs. Let’s not even get started on what strangers could do to you. The list can go on and on.

The point is, suffering can help us, if we allow it to. Instead of grumbling and cursing the whole time and deciding the whole world is out to get us and everyone should burn. Only do that some of the time. ;)


Oh, oh! And I suppose I’ll point out that suffering *can* help us. It all depends on whether or not we let it.





  1. Humbles you. Most times suffering of any sort causes you to take a look at how horrible things could be, and how you benefited before or will again, when the suffering is over. Sometimes it beats you down so thoroughly that you take a good hard look at your own behaviors, actions, and responsibilities connected to the suffering. It opens you up to the possibility that suffering can be used for something positive, something to strengthen you, instead of giving over to jealousy, resentments, and letting it simmer down into a bitter personality. Who can suffer, and with an open heart and mind, find that life isn’t so horrible, and learn to be thankful for what good they do have in their lives?

This opens you up compassion, empathy, and the ability to connect with others. In other words, it helps you to learn to be human, to feel, and not only for yourself but for others as well.

  1. Makes the joys truly joyful. There’s a quote by someone talking about how if broccoli didn’t taste so bad, no one would really love chocolate so much. While I like broccoli, I do see his point. I LOVE chocolate. Would I love it so much if all other food didn’t taste so nasty or bland, or at least only a fraction as yummy? Probably not. If all food tasted amazing like chocolate, it’d just be food. Eh. Suffering allows us to really highlight in our hearts and minds just how joyful the joys really are. Because we know how badly the suffering feels.

“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.” – Rumi

  1. Helps you learn how to be present for your life. Take a look at what positives and blessings you have. When suddenly, everything sucks epically, you begin to search for what is good in your life. And often, people are surprised by what they find; blessings everywhere in their lives, even during the worst of trials.

Realizing you still have positive things in your life allows you to be AWARE of them, be present in the moment with them, and really enjoy them.

How often do we have to have something stripped from us before we realize how badly we took advantage of it? How much we really enjoyed it – or rather, would have, had we given it the time of day instead of automatically skipping through it on autopilot, consumed with our ‘to-do list’ and rushing through the days?

  1. Makes you smarter. You definitely learn something Seriously. How do you get a brick thrown at your head every Tuesday without learning to take a different road? If you look, there’s something you’re learning while working through the suffering.
  2. Makes you stronger. Builds inner strength and character. Building resistance is the same when doing so mentally or physically. The more you resist giving in to negativity or giving up, the stronger you become. The more you focus on the outcome, the light at the end of the tunnel, the more you focus on the day you’re in right now and how to retain something positive from it – even while you’re struggling and hurting – the easier it becomes.

You’re building muscle. Only, this muscle goes towards your character, not the beach body. You need both in life, trust me, if you’re to enjoy it.

  1. Gives you more optimism. Usually this comes after or towards the end of our trials. When we can see afterward how difficult it was. Yet we still had the ability to make it through. We may have even gotten something out of it. It becomes more apparent that even the hardest of trials is doable. Who doesn’t feel a bit more optimistic, knowing they made it through Hell with all their limbs and most of their sanity still attached?
  2. Perspective is an amazing thing. There’s another quote floating around that I love. Unfortunately when things become “over used” in people’s opinions, it mostly becomes trite or cliché in public opinion. I, however, still like things that I like. Regardless. The quote goes something like this: if you focus only on the negative, you’ll have more negative. If you focus on the positive, you’ll have more of the positive.

I think this is so true. Everyone has something negative in their life. Daily issues, tests, and trials. But everyone also has things they can count as positive, as blessings, as goodness in their life, even when their suffering outweighs their joy. When all you do is focus on the sludge of life, it’s all you think about, it’s all you begin to notice. When you try to find the good in your life, you notice there’s more than you thought.

Getting perspective from suffering helps you learn how to enjoy the little things before they’re gone or neglect brushes them aside.

It also helps us to learn that trials can be endured joyfully, or at least less miserably, if we focus on the positive too.

  1. It helps you change, helps you grow. You make changes in your life. Things you never would have seen before as harmful or potentially harmful, you get rid of. You exchange it for something different, something you actually want and can enjoy.

I cannot sum up all the ways or reasons you change. But suffering changes you. It opens you up. Sometimes it gives you the wisdom to remain closed to someone or something you know will only harm you. Suffering brings a different way of seeing your world. Once you see it differently – no matter how it is that you perceive it now – you will change to live in accordance with it. Even if you’re in denial, you still change.




I think some suffering is good for you. You learn from it, you change, you grow. But then there’s a time where the suffering isn’t helping you any longer and it needs to go FAR… FAR… AWAY!!!!!!

Sometimes we are forced to endure trials longer than we find needful or longer than we think we can handle. We often ask, “what am I missing?”, “why is this still happening?”, when will this end?”, “how am I supposed to keep enduring this”?

To this, let me assure you, if you’re missing something, you’ll eventually figure it out, so don’t sweat it – be mindful, be aware, be open-minded. It is still happening because it is still happening. Trees grow, the sun rises, puppies are born, and rain falls. It will stop when it will stop. You can handle it, regardless. If you couldn’t handle it, it would have stopped already. Life doesn’t want to break you. It wants to give you the opportunity to burst into flames and truly live. Whether you break or bend is absolutely up to you (regardless of how cheesy you find this).


I’ll also note that some suffering we wouldn’t have to go through if we’d make better choices in life. But the great thing is, suffering can allow us to learn from that too. So we don’t mess up in this way again, for the right reasons.


If it’s the point of your day to simply get through it, you’re not going to enjoy the things, people, and situations you could enjoy. Your weeks and months become a jumble of things to get through.

What is the point of living that way?

If you can learn to find joy in every day, even if you’re suffering, your life will get measurably better. You’ll change and you’ll see those changes in yourself and your life.

Now, I’m not saying that you need to be chipper and bubbly and smiley all day. NOT going to happen. No one is going to be happy or find joy in every moment of every day. And we need to be honest with ourselves with what we’re feeling. If we’re feeling crumby, we must allow ourselves to feel that way. We simply don’t need to take it out on anyone else, and when it’s time to let it go? Let. It. Go.

All I’m saying is, be open to the good things. Look for them, watch for them, instead of expressly waking up ready to find the negative in your life and survive it.

Time doesn’t heal all wounds. But given time, you’ll learn to live for the joy in your life instead of trying to survive the negative.



Four of my favorite quotes on suffering:

“All experience is great providing you live through it. If it kills you, you’ve gone too far.” – Alice Neel

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” – Helen Keller

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” – Khalil Gibran

“We are all broken. That’s how the light gets in.” – Ernest Hemingway

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Filed under Health, Personal/Opinion

New Kind of S’more

Wonky internet is like a horror story come to life for a writer (especially if said writer also happens to be Daphne)….

Guess who’s internet has been wonky?

Yeah, that’d be me.

So no, I did not get eaten by a dinosaur or abducted by gremlins. I’m still here. Just… yelling at my internet connection and agonizing over the loss of Google.

Because honestly, how could I survive without Google?


Have you guys ever had s’mores without graham crackers but Rice Krispies Treats instead?


Or, you know, if you love your graham crackers, you can add half a Rice Krispies Treat in there.

But yeah. Amazing.


As far as writing goes, I haven’t written in seven months.

BUT, I got a book that’s helping me get back into the groove of things. Not a “how to write” book, but a “how to get back to your natural, wild minded state so you can figure out how the hell you would write in the first place… you know, and creativity and stuff” book.


“Writers aren’t exactly people… they’re a whole bunch of people trying to be one person.” F. Scott Fitzgerald

“Don’t try to figure out what other people want to hear from you; figure out what you have to say. It’s the one and only thing you have to offer.” Barbara Kingsolver



I suppose I’ve let that mask slip into and cover my writing self as well.

Okay, there’s no suppose.

Its there.

It lurks. It sees me and knows how to use pain and fear to get me to clam up and plaster myself in it.

I’d like to get rid of it.


It’s simply another symptom of my issue. Finding my identity.

I’m doing a lot better though.

I feel like an insane asylum patient when I say that…. “I’m doing a lot better now, guys!” *crazy smile* *tries to wave through straight jacket*


I’m enjoying cooking (even though I can’t eat any of it) new recipes. Messing around with them.

Actually slowing down and ENJOYING what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

For the love of all that is chocolate – have you ever paid attention to that whole, “you must be present” thing? Mindfulness is what I think it’s been plastered all over the place as. Minus all the crazy take offs and money traps, it’s a solid idea.

To simply be.

Instead of worrying, focusing solely on others’ issues and needs, and basically ANYTHING other than being in your own freaking head.

Heh. Ever been left alone with yourself?


Not even a single character to talk to???

It’s a good thing to look into. Paying attention to what is going on with YOU. Being PRESENT in the actual moment that’s going on.


“The edge… There is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.” Hunter S. Thompson

“Having perfected out disguise, we spend our lives searching for someone we don’t fool.” Robert Brault


I hope I don’t drive non writing peoples nuts when I talk about writing. But I’m not really just talking about myself as a writer or writing in general. I’m talking about life. About me.

It’s all the same thing really.

When someone asks you who you are, how do you respond?

Who you are is your soul.

My soul? Has some issues! *twitch* I simply talk about it in relation to my writing the most.


I think I’ve finally reached the point where I don’t care how strange I seem to people who don’t know me, really know me. Anyone worth knowing will try to get to know me, figure out what I’m honestly like. Makes things a lot simpler. (And stranger.) ;)


Filed under Personal/Opinion

To Disappear

To disappear

It’s quite simple, really.

Stop breathing.

I don’t mean to die.

I mean stop living.



Close your eyes and pretend.


And then there’s nothing.

Urgency to breathe only comes now and again.

Subsides when your soul flutters to a standstill.

Though your heart still pumps blood.

Your eyes still see.

Simply not the truth.

You’re breathing fine anyway, physically.


But you know.

You know it’s not all.

You know you’re not breathing.

It’s in your bones.

Starts to hurt.

Inch by inch.

Step by step.

Lie by lie.

Begins somewhere deep.

You don’t even understand.

Words don’t fit it.


This is your choice.

The one you have to make.

And deciding not to make it, is a choice as well.

But it is yours.

You own it.


Can you feel it?

Burning, twisting, twining.



Can you hear it?

Clawing into your gut.

Beating at the wisps of deception.

Bleeding into your soul.

Ripping at the bindings you’ve solidified around it.


Or do I close my eyes again.

Let it fall to the side.

Keep walking.

Ignore the tears.

The shrieking fears battering inside my skull.

Trying so hard to free me.


This will pass.

But not if I let the truth die.

Speak the automated lines.

Define the silence with everything but my own sorrow.

Anything but the sorrow, the anger.

The sadness.




Do I chose to disappear over anything.

Even the possibility of living.

The possibility of joy.





Aren’t things supposed to make more sense.

As time passes.

Isn’t it a rule somewhere that I’ll know.

Wake up and know.


I guess not.

It just gets harder.



More vague.

Black and white is long gone.


I guess the problem is,

I don’t know.

How to breathe.

How to choose.

How to see.


To disappear

Is quite simple, really.

But is it worth it?

Emptiness has brought me here.


I guess I couldn’t see it.

I only saw through the eyes of others.

While right for each soul who spoke from their own mouths,

Their eyes, their hearts, can’t see what my own need to see.


I am terrified.

I do not fit in the perfect.

Smiles and light-hearted glossy words and dreams, every moment.

I do not fit in the image.

I cannot.

And it breaks me as I try.

I let it.

Beat me, break me, try me, convince me I am not enough.

Convince me that to feel is the end. Done.





Perk up.

Put on that beautiful mask.

The world says.


I guess the truth is, the last hit is hovering.

Alone and suffocating,

I’m the only one who can save me.

And I’m choking the life out of my own lungs.

One heart beat to the next.


I guess the truth is,

I thought I had to see what was wrong,

Pick up the pieces,

Fix it,

And be perfect.

Or I was once again, still, forever; something unspeakable.


The truth is,

I have no idea what the truth is.

I cannot fix this tonight.


I am lost.

Teeter tottering back and forth.

I suppose I’m not dealing with it.

I’m pushing it away.


To disappear

Is quite simple, really.

But at what cost?


by Daphne Shadows




Filed under Lyrical Writings

Writers Write, Right?

Well, I was reading some quotes recently and the thing that kept coming up was how a writer can’t not write. It just doesn’t happen.

I got a little concerned.

Not so concerned that I questioned whether or not I’m a real writer, but enough so that I wondered if I was messing with my talent by not living up to consistent writing.

I got to thinking.

I haven’t worked on my manuscript in over 4 months.


I haven’t written in over 4 months – what kind of writer am I?

But nobody said I had to work on my manuscript to be writing. Now did they?


I have been writing. Almost every single day.

I’ve been writing blog posts (though most of those don’t see the light of day) and journaling like a madwoman. The journaling is to keep myself sane but I’m surprised by how much its helping me open  up to myself.

So see – all those quotes are right. I can’t not write. I’ve needed it in one way or another.




I had a case of black and white thinking. All or nothing.

Either I was going full out writer mode and working full tilt on my manuscript every day for hours – or I wasn’t doing anything.

Those were the only two labels my brain knew how to formulate.



Seeing in black or white (all or nothing thinking) isn’t realistic or helpful. It’s harmful. And it keeps me beating myself up. Glad I noticed it. Now I can knock it off!


I’d like to start doing some creative writing though. I feel that itch. Okay, so its more than an itch – its like an ogre with a battering ram inside my bones, chest cavity, head, and heart.

But I’m not ready to work on my manuscript. Why?

Because I’m still working on myself. I can’t write authentically if I can’t even live in my own skin authentically.

What could help me move this along?

Oh, I don’t know.


Journaling and blogging aren’t my only options. I can free write, write short stories, do whatever I want for creative writing. I don’t have to work on my manuscript until I’m ready.

That doesn’t mean I can’t write.

I’m a writer.

And writers write.


What do you consider writing consistently?

Do you journal?

Free write?

Write short stories?



Compile and rework research?

What exactly do you consider to be the meaning of “writer’s write”?

Are you ever a victim of all or nothing thinking in any area of your life?




Filed under Creative Writing, Personal/Opinion