In the recesses of my soul, I fear it’s unlikely for me to find love.
A whole, healthy love.
An accepting, understanding love.
Someone who not only understands me, knows me, but wants me to be in their lives, every day. Someone who finds me important.
Bereft of abuse of any sort.
This is horribly vulnerable and I hate it. But it’s true.
And I think it is sad.
Sad that I am so jaded, so hopeless when it comes to some things.
I think it is sad that I am so filled with such emptiness that I don’t know where to look inside myself to find myself.
I feel I need to peal open the skin on my rib cage, crack open my ribs, and peer inside, hoping there will be a beating heart, to begin with. But beyond that, hoping I’ll find a small, scared, soul hiding somewhere behind an organ or too. Waiting to be found.
Waiting to be accepted.
Isn’t that just so human?
It’s not something I obsess about.
It’s not something I even think about too often.
I’m certainly not one of those gals who searches for a man like her life depends on it. I never thought about my wedding. Never fantasized about walking down the aisle, all doe eyed, and plastered in white.
For one, I don’t want to wear white on my wedding day, whenever or if that happens.
And for two, I’ve always been too busy fantasizing about monsters, creatures that could jar me into danger and maddening enjoyment of life.
I’ve never been the kind of gal who had to have twenty friends, surrounded by people all the time, making her feel wanted and loved. I’m not particularly needy. In fact, I need my space.
So it isn’t a crazy unhealthy thing.
It simply is. In the back of my mind. Floating along with all those other thoughts or beliefs, I guess, that don’t bother me too often. Or affect me all that often either.
There are simply some things I’m not going to poke at until I’ve worked out where I am right now.
What I’m talking about is the human desire to be loved on a level that only happens when one falls in love.
A knowing and an accepting.
I think it’s what we are; human.
We want that other human who we can be 100% human around and still be loved.
Did I mention this is terribly vulnerable?
I don’t know how Rara does it!
This is post #2 in Rara’s #Somethingist challenge. For my original post (which explains things), click here. And then join the challenge! ;D