I Am Passionless, Hollow

I have lost my passion.

I’m empty, hollow, meaningless.

There is no more fire inside me. I’m fresh out.

The only passions left stirring inside me are fear, anger, and hate. And I feel those toward myself. Like I said, I’m a mess.

 

My blog’s purpose is to reflect me. On the right sidebar, it literally says: “what inspires and/or ignites raw emotion within me will find its way here.”

Problem on aisle Daphne.

With no passion, comes no identity. Comes no idea who the hell I am at all. What do I want? What do I  need? What do I feel?

I’ve got no clue.

My health is failing and I’m just shoving my emotions farther and farther away. I’m going nowhere.

It’s only logical that I’m finding it hard to figure out what to blog on. Nothing inspires me anymore. It’s been building and building, this void eating me from the inside out. Worse yet, I’m the one fueling it. And here I am. Empty.

 

All I have left inside me is the truth, even as I try to ignore it away. The truth that though I didn’t cause it, I’m now doing this to myself. I’m keeping myself in this cycle.

Why?

Because it’s all I’ve ever known. And I’m not paying attention. That’s my thing. Ignoring that I exist.

 

I’m ready for some change. Some internal change. Time to scrape open my walls and peek inside my chest. See what I can find.

As far as blogging goes, all I have to give are pieces and parts of honesty. While I figure out how to wake up, how to breathe.

I’ve avoided my blog reflecting all of me. I’ve kept mostly to the surface stuff. Interests. Things I like, that I can research, explore. But I can’t find these things any longer. I’m exhausted, deflated.

Time to dig deeper, whether I want to or not. There’s a lot more to me.

 

This isn’t a full disclosure. I’m not promising a baring of my soul. This isn’t confession, this is my blog. And why not see if a little honesty out loud can help me out? Maybe someone might even get inspired. (either that or someone ought to be sitting at their desk going, “whew, I’m glad I’m not that deranged)

It’s a peek into the Shadows, I’m offering.

I’m choosing not to bury all the painful parts or the darkness, any longer.

 

So strap in kiddos.

You’re in for a bumpy ride. There are no helmets, there is no map. I just passed ‘start’ and I’m already lost in the forest.

I’m clearing out the cobwebs, searching for the skeletons, and hoping I find some really creepy cool antiques in the way back.

Things are about to get strange.

 

stockvault-bright-forest-path138215

 

Have you ever lost your passion? What did you do to get it back?

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Filed under Health, Personal/Opinion

Hate and Deprive

Do you ever just start questioning everything in your life?

 

Why do I do this?

Why did I think that?

Why do I waste my time on that?

How dare I take time to do that – and anyway, why do I?

What’s the point in this?

Yada, yada, yada.

You get the point.

 

Recently- okay that’s a lie.

For  a while now, I’ve been questioning myself on why on earth I think it’s okay for me to take time out of my day to read a book – something I enjoy – *gasp*!

How dare I!

How selfish!

 

Self hate is a pretty strong accusation so for the sake of you guys not living inside my head and knowing everything that goes on there, we’re just going to go with, I’ve been depriving myself of pretty much everything I enjoy.

Why?

Because I’d feel guilty, bad, wrong, selfish, like a horrible person, if I spent any time taking care of myself.

It’s like I’m depriving myself of love.

Not allowing myself to be happy or do anything simply because I’d like to.

 

stockvault-autumn-walk99589

 

But I’m only skimming the surface just yet, so let’s keep it to what I’ve discovered so far.

 

Last week, I was in a lot of pain (medical issues, don’t worry, I’m not missing any limbs), and it hurt to lie down in bed, even though I was exhausted.

I’m lying there, praying for sleep, wishing against wish that I could wink out of consciousness and fall onto the pillow of being unaware.

And the thought pops into my head –

Why not grab my book, go in the kitchen and read?

 

At this point, even my “hate and deprive yourself” programming couldn’t break into my pain induced thoughts, and so I got up quietly, grabbed the book I’d been sipping (because I hadn’t really sat down and read in quite a while) and went into the living room/kitchen, turned on the light, sat against the wall, and read.

For a few hours.

At about one in the morning, I broke my awareness away from my book and looked at the clock. Deciding to go to bed, I realized I felt better. Happier. Calmer.

 

For a few hours I’d ignored the pain, hadn’t even been aware of it.

For a few hours I’d not felt like an emotional wreck. I’d felt kinda good, actually.

And then it clicked.

All the questioning I’d been doing – why do I allow myself to selfishly waste time and read a book when I could be working on something I need to get done? Never mind that I couldn’t sleep. Never mind that I wasn’t being productive lying in bed and becoming more and more miserable as sleep evaded me. Why did I think it was okay to take time to do something that would simply make me happy?

 

Because it makes me happy.

It gives me some peace.

Reading allows me to escape reality for a little while. It takes me somewhere else.

I read for the love of stories. For the amazing thing that happens when I disappear into another world.

 

stockvault-sepia-bridge135964

 

And it made me realize that even on small levels like this, I’ve been punishing myself for doing anything that makes me happy.

Now, I’m sure I’ve said that before. But I’ve blurred the lines of boundaries and my rights as a human being so badly that saying that hasn’t really sunk in, made any sense.

Last week, it made sense. I went from, “uh, yeah, sure, I’m aware that I do that” to “oh, I accept that I’ve been doing this, it’s bad, and I need and want to stop if I want to be happy and healthy”.

 

Did this magically make my bad habit of feeling guilty and hating on myself if I wanted to/did read for a little while?

No, of course not.

I’m a human. Humans are stubborn and it’s hard to break habits, good or bad.

But at least I’m working on it now.

And anytime that not so little voice tells me that I’m horrible for taking time to read – I smother it!

 

Here’s for continued vigilance to that end…

 

 

 

(***A note to my readers. If I haven’t responded to your comments yet, rest assured – I will. I have read and I love your comments!)

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Filed under Health, Personal/Opinion

Resistance Brings Persistence

Life is a mess.

Mine has been very messy lately.

I’ve failed to see how anything good can come of chaos, or how anything good can happen during chaos. How can you keep your cool, your wits about you? How can you think? Breathe? Figure out what is going on inside you? How can you live when life is a mess and things are falling apart around you?

Pretty naïve, right?

Right.

Well, I’m figuring it out.

Slowly.

Painfully.

 

Life is a Mess...

Life is a Mess…

 

I am learning that resistance brings persistence.

So yeah, my life is a mess. I am a mess. I admit it. I’m aware of it. (I don’t know that I accept it yet, but I’m working on it. Awareness, then acceptance.)

And the mess is only getting more and more painful, more out of control.

 

So what?

I’m not going to explode, starve, cause World War 3, or get hit by a flying saucer.

I’m not a horrible, bad person because my life is a mess.

Life is.

Life is messy.

I’m trying to deny what is by writing myself as at fault, as the cause of all this horrible.

I can’t change life or the messiness that comes along with it. I can’t control the universe, the Creator of the Universe, outcomes to situations, or any of the creatures in the universe. Except me.

I can control me and how I am.

Yet, I’m trying to deny that life is messy simply because it is and blame it on myself.

 

......that doesn't mean its not Beautiful

……that doesn’t mean its not Beautiful

 

I know this is repetitive, but bear with me. Thinking properly is a circular process. And us humans we have to throw a brick at our head twelve times before we realize – “hey look! A brick! Maybe I should duck….”

 

Chaos doesn’t mean I have to be panicked. Doesn’t mean my only options are to survive or die. Chaos doesn’t mean anything actually – except “chaos”.

Chaos is chaos.

Chaos has not attacked me because I’m living life incorrectly or because I’m stupid or unworthy of happiness.

Chaos: “complete disorder and confusion”

Mess: “a situation or state of affairs that is confused or full of difficulties”

Now, someone tell me please, where in there does it say “because Daphne woke up this morning”?

….

No one?

Didn’t think so.

 

Finding serenity, peace, calmness – whatever you want to call it. It’s possible.

Even in times of chaos.

Even when your life and your health are such a mess that you’re wondering  what on earth you did to deserve this. When is it going to end? When can I find happiness?

Right now.

Happiness, serenity, peace, it’s all possible to have in times of pain, chaos, and mess.

Life has with it all the challenges and difficulties it does.

Don’t take it personally.

Take the challenge and learn from it. Grow stronger. Grow wiser. Get better at something. The pains of life usually carry with them a wisdom or ability you’ll use to bring yourself or another happiness in the future.

Every “mess” can have its silver lining.

Know that. Know that it’s okay to feel like a mess. To feel just pure “ugh”. But that doesn’t mean that’s all you’re allowed to feel.

Find your serenity.

It’s possible.

It’s HARD!!!

But it’s worth the work.

 

You don't always have to color inside the lines. Sometimes your mistakes turn out to be better anyway.

You don’t always have to color inside the lines. Sometimes your mistakes turn out to be better anyway.

 

 

Resistance only brings persistence of whatever it is that you want to stop.

Stop resisting. Accept that it’s happening.

Then get to work on getting safe, healthy, and serene.

 

You can’t move out of the way of a brick if you’re telling yourself it’s not there or that you can just ignore it or wish it away.

You have to see it before you can take action.

 

And stop blaming yourself!

What if instead of yourself or someone else throwing it at you – the brick just fell off a really old building? That doesn’t mean you need to beat yourself up over it.

You’re not supposed to take responsibility for a building growing old and falling apart. That happens all on its own. Its called the rules of the universe.

Just saying.

 

What do you do when your life is a mess?

 

brick wall close up background


 

definitions source: Google define:

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New Spin on Forgiveness and Love: Victim Shaming

“Love cannot exist without the dimension of justice.”

– Unknown

 

Forgiveness is an interesting topic to me.

Much of my life, forgiveness has been a patsy for negative, addicted, controlling, and manipulative people.

It made everything a person could ever do, okay.

And now, I read articles, hear people talk about, and see media portray, forgiveness in the same way.

And it pisses me off.

 

rose on the book

 

Forgiveness, according to a majority of the media, is thusly:

Forgive everyone for harming you in any way, then love them enough to allow them back into your life. Forgive and forget, wiping your brain of the memory of what they did. Remain naïve, trust them. Allow them to harm you again. Forgive them – rinse and repeat.

 

*ahem*

 

No. That is not what forgiveness is. And not only does this change the healing of “forgiveness” into something insidious and disgusting, but it also drags love in there.

Along this line of reasoning, love is defined thusly:

If you love someone, it doesn’t matter what they do or say, cause, or believe. You love them. That means anything goes and if you ever feel an emotion of misgiving, shove it.

 

Again, no.

 

People are turning “love” and “forgiveness” into a form of Victim Shaming.

Once again making everything negative, abusive, or harmful in any way – the victim’s fault. And they should just take it and be quiet.

Or they’re a bad person. Or a bad Christian. Or a bad mother, bad lover, bad father, bad human being.

Of course this is all done with extreme subtly and manipulation, leaving the person clueless to how badly those around them are stripping the term forgiveness of any real substance. But once you take a good look, it’s all saying the same thing.

“I should be able to do whatever I want, however often I want, and you should keep letting me do it, while smiling and loving me.”

 

Bollocks!

 

stockvault-high-key-rose133106

 

Forgiveness is not a patsy for the abusive.

Forgiveness is letting go. Taking all the gunk of anger, resentment, and bitterness and getting rid of it. Not allowing it to hold you down any longer. Forgiving someone for something they’ve done wrong to you in the past.

 

Forgiving someone does not mean that what they did is okay. It is not okay. But let it go. Learn the lesson, let go of the anger, and move forward.

Forgive but do not forget.

Forgive but protect yourself. Make your boundaries.

Let the past go, but remember that it is your responsibility to make good decisions and see to it that you don’t allow others to hurt you in the future.

You are not alive to be used.

You are worthy of love, respect, and happiness.

 

Again:

“Love cannot exist without the dimension of justice.”

– Unknown

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Filed under Health, Personal/Opinion

Because the Chiropractor Said So

I am in agony.

Okay, not really, but my upper back, neck, head, lower back, hips, and legs are killing me.

Okay not that either. No killing. They’re just burning.

FIIIIIIIRE!!!

 

So, nope. No fire either.

But my body is bloody screaming bloody murder at me! With a megaphone.

I think some pygmies found me in the middle of the night and took an ax to me, chopping me up into itty bitty little pieces, then super glued me back together.

Because they got bored.

Whatever the reality – my chiropractor tells me the Chair from Hell I’ve been sitting in for about 2 years now is wreaking havoc with me bones.

fire big bang on black

credit: 2happy

 

 

This is getting weirder.

Whatever. I got adjusted, felt all light and weightless like I could fly (not really, I’d fall to the ground and SPLAT like an uncoordinated dodo bird). Then I went home and sat in my chair (from Hell – seriously, Satan threw it out his window and a dead guy down the street sold it to me for a pigeon that I didn’t have) and my body instantaneously FLIPPED ME OFF. There may or may not have been brass knuckles included.

One day later, I limped into Wal-Mart like a zombie on downers and grabbed the cheapest comfy desk chair I could find. Chiropractor’s orders.

Maybe I won’t get so many headaches now. That would be FABULOUS. Oh and my back and neck won’t feel like a cement truck ran me over. That would also make me non-homicidal.

And you know, my bones would stay in their proper place. I’m pretty sure that’s good for your health.

But that will happen after my body gets used to sitting with proper posture again.

 

Until then?

AGONY! Mini pick axes with a vengeance wielded by shades on PCP (because somehow PCP effects the dead now)!!!

In reality?

I’m just complaining because my body hates me at the moment. But it’s for its own good. Kind of like how I don’t feed my dog chocolate even though he REALLY wants some. Except I’m not furry, or – you know, a dog.

..

.

So I’ll just be over here ON FIRE, while kicking it in my new chair (which is NOT from Hell).

Yep.

True story.

It’s kind of awesome by the way.

 

credit: massagenerd

credit: massagenerd

Now I just need to find the freaking pygmies.

 

As a writer, did you have to find the right chair or die from back/neck/head pain?

Or any other kind of person who sits in a chair a lot?

Speak pygmies, er- posture, to me.

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Filed under Personal/Opinion

Walking In Circles

I have no idea what to blog on this week.

I don’t even know what’s going on inside my own head.

Do you ever get that way?

Kind of blank inside….

I think maybe I’m just on overload, if that makes any sense.

 

So what’s on my mind?

…..

..

.

Yeah…. this is going nowhere.

 

stockvault-sepia-grunge-sign---stay-on-trail144056

 

Do you ever feel stuck? Like you’re walking around in circles, retracing the same steps that led you nowhere in particular?

Ugh.

That’s me right now.

I could use some divine intervention.

 

And even once you realize you’re walking in circles, you then have to figure out WHAT it is that you’re doing wrong, WHAT it is that you need to do to change, and HOW you’re going to accomplish that.

I think right now I’m in between those two. The circle walking and the planning/changing.

I’m in the exhausted category. Sitting there, blinking at everything going on, and wondering why the kitchen is so far away from my chair.

 

Humans are so strange. Why does it take us forever to realize something isn’t right? I mean, how many times do you have to club yourself over the head before you realize you’re holding a club???

Anywho – I’m a zombie.

Except I don’t have the energy to eat brains. Or even chase my food in the first place.

So I’m going to die of starvation.

Maybe I’m a vegetarian zombie – just apply chocolate.

 

Do you ever realize you’re walking in circles? Figure out the needed change and simultaneously feel like you got run over?

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Real Vampire Graves

When I was a kid, I entertained the idea of being an archaeologist.

That lasted about a year.

I like the idea of having my own place to go back to every day MORE and I’m not big on the idea of spending my time in a different country that might hate me.

But anywho – archaeology is still interesting to me.

And as you already know, all kinds of monsters and creatures interest me. I wake up from nightmares going, “YES!” and scramble to write them down so I don’t forget.

So vampire graves are pure awesome (I need to find better describing words. What kind of author says uber, awesome, and amazing all the time?)

Check out some crazy stuff going on with corpses…

 

"The Vampire" by Philip Burne-Jones

“The Vampire” by Philip Burne-Jones

 

Vampire Graves have Been Found In

  • Bulgaria (more than 100 vampire burial sites have been uncovered, especially in a 7000 year old city, Thracian)
  • Europe (The famous Twins of Sozopol were found in Poland)
  • US (Mercy Brown most notably was exhumed, her heart cut out, burned, and mixed with water for the brother to drink)
  • Romania

 

Reasons People were Given Vamp Burials

  • missing a finger
  • disfigured appearance
  • talk to themselves
  • committed suicide
  • having nightmares
  • exhaustion
  • anemia
  • sleeplessness
  • weight loss
  • aversion to garlic
  • having no appetite
  • being murdered violently
  • practiced witchcraft
  • died before they were baptized
  • lived a long life
  • died of an odd ailment, like tuberculosis
  • violated society’s laws
  • had the plague
  • corpse was unearthed and it looked too fresh
  • corpse was unearthed and had blood on it
  • killed a lot of people
  • cat jumped over the corpse
  • strange marks found on bodies – often times people thought birthmarks and moles were signs of evil

So, basically, if you didn’t brush your teeth, have perfect health, eat all your dinner, and donate your liver to the grandma down the street, you were going to get jumped by evil spirits and reanimate, doomed to kick it in a coffin during the day and cannibalize your family, friends, and random strangers by night.

0.o

But in all seriousness, vampires were a real threat back then. People believed that the likelihood of returning from your grave to suck the life from your loved ones was good.

One of the reasons for this was the plagues and diseases that swept through villages. A few people would crop up with it and when their families got sick with the “mystery illness” – it must be their dead loved one possessed by evil spirits, trying to kill them.

It was also used for scapegoating. Humans are humans after all, and a lot of them just aren’t nice.

I should note that some countries still hold these beliefs, to a lesser extent.

 

Skelett aus dem Vampir-Grab von Sozopol, ausgestellt im Nationalen Historischen Museum in Sofia; Oktober 2012" by Bin im Garten

“Skelett aus dem Vampir-Grab von Sozopol, ausgestellt im Nationalen Historischen Museum in Sofia; Oktober 2012″ by Bin im Garten

 

So what would people do to your corpse if they thought you were already a vampire? Or feared you might rise from the grave as one?

Different kinds of vampire burials:

  • Shove a stake through your heart. (A Bulgarian corpse was found with a 2-pound iron rod shoved in his chest.)
  • The same Bulgarian man was found with half of his leg removed and laid beside his body.
  • Cover your grave in huge, heavy stones.
  • Pin your corpse down in your grave with metal rings.
  • Bind your hands.
  • Sever your head and put it between your legs (this is really popular).
  • Shove a brick in your mouth (that’s just hilarious to even type).
  • Weight your neck down with stones.
  • Place coins in your mouth to keep evil spirits from entering you.
  • The Twin Sozopol vampires were pinned to their graves through the chest by the metal end of a plough.

 

And just to be POSITIVE you weren’t coming back and sucking anyone’s blood – they’d dig you up a short while after you were buried. Shove a stake through your heart (bodies are still fresh then) or do any number of the things listed above. If they hadn’t already.

These days, there are rumors that a few countries dig suspect corpses up after three or four years to check them for vampirism. Don’t quote me on that though.

 

Vampire Body Weirdness

Part of the decomposition process bloats the human body, which sometimes causes blood to seep from the mouth.

When a person dies, human skin dries out and shrinks, causing the hair and nails to appear longer, as if they’re growing.

So it wasn’t actually strange for these things to happen – they just didn’t know that back then.

 

There are A LOT of strange beliefs surrounding vampires and what causes them. Which, you know, is awesome (that’s the same freaking descriptive word!!!).

If I ever get into my archeological urges, hopefully I’ll find a vampire grave. Unbury it, remove the stake, and have a living, non-breathing vampire in my good graces.

Because who wouldn’t want a vampire in their debt? Or to befriend, question, and stalk. Right?

 

"Blackrose" by Nenesita1

“Blackrose” by Nenesita1

 


 

Sources:

Bulgaria’s Vampire Graveyards

“Vampire Grave” in Bulgaria

‘Vampire’ Graves Shed Light

‘Vampire’ Graves Uncovered in Poland

‘Vampire’ Graves Unearthed Near Black Sea

Unearthed: The Medieval ‘Vampire’ Skeleton

Pictured: ‘Vampire’ Graves in Poland

 

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