Introspection is a word one might not hear that often.
It means; “to inspect one’s own thoughts and feelings”.
I’ve had a lot of time to think recently.
Before we moved here, into what I’ve affectionately dubbed ‘hotel hell’, due to changing and freeing circumstances, I had begun to figure myself out. Little bit by little bit.
But until I was marooned in this place I call my own personal hell (for a good reason), I hadn’t felt such a clean slate. Such a difference. Such a change.
And I realized, I didn’t even know how much I didn’t even know about myself.
But I also realized that I know more already than I thought I did. I just hadn’t figured out that I knew it.
(Boy am I working on not confusing you guys right now. )
Some things I’ve always known about myself. Someone recently told me that the conviction I have is not something most people have, in some of the areas I do. That they didn’t have that for themselves and had to figure those things out by trial and error, all on their own, for years before coming to a conclusion and forming their own conviction in their belief.
I like that word; conviction. And what this person told me is true. I’m not bragging, or saying I’m amazing. Really I’m not. I’m a humble person and I’ve never been too big on going beyond confident. As it is said, “arrogance holds the seeds of its own undoing”. I’m a firm believer in that.
I’m simply stating a fact. I have strong convictions burning inside me, always have. They’ve been cemented in the middle of me, waiting for me to realize the path to ‘knowing myself’ already had a “begin here” sign. Waiting for me to see it.
Those convictions are now things I know about myself. They are the buds that branch off but always remain sturdy and absolute in the core of my being. Making me who I am. Forming my decisions whether I realize it or not.
They have always been there, always been absolute. I had spent so much time on burying who I was to keep others safe, yes. But subconsciously, I hid those bits and pieces of myself I never wanted to let go of or forget, in certain buds of never moving convictions. Then I buried them further, hiding them in such a way that I didn’t know there was anything hidden.
Do you ever know something or feel something, but don’t really know you know that something until someone bluntly tells you that something to your face, pointing it out to you? Confusing, I know, but if it makes sense, you know what I mean.
That’s where I hid my convictions. In plain sight they remained hidden. And everyone knows: out of sight, out of mind.
I think I actually mind ninja-ed myself!
But it took me being in my own personal hell, left alone to stare at the inner walls of my mind and wonder why I never stormed the castle and took down all the walls, to really begin to know myself.
There are many things I’m still working on. Things I’m still trying to figure out. Like Anita Blake, the protagonist from a series I read, I poke at things. Being me, I can’t let them go. I have to understand them.
Why live and not learn?
So while I agree that a busy mind is a healthy mind, I also believe that everything is good in moderation. Yes, be healthily busy. But stop for some introspection. See what you see. The path to knowing one’s self isn’t easy. Guess it’s helpful that I’m stubborn, huh?
My advice, is to find your convictions, your beliefs, your opinions, and start there. Figuring yourself out is weird, messy, and can be hurtful for you and for others. But it’s worth it.
I’d take the hard, messy, painful truth over a lie any day. No matter how beautiful that lie or half truth is…it-is-not-real.
Have you ever forced yourself to take a look at yourself, no holds barred, no lies to hide your own truths? Do you know yourself?